(This blog is actually a blast from the past of something that happened months ago but is was SO awesome I had to share it!)
I know I said I wouldn't date again until the surgery was over with. However, it seems everytime I say, "I'm going on a diet!" or "I'm a vegetarian!" or "I'm totally going to water this new plant!" I immediately set myself up for failure. It isn't that I have no self control. Far from that. Dieting, well, when I give it a name, it makes me miserable and I gain more weight. Being a vegetarian is stupid for me because I pretty much love vegetables more than anything else anyway but yeah, I love a rare steak once in a blue moon, too, and resent having that taken away from me. As for the plants, well that's a whole other blog. There is a ginormous plant at the end of the hallway of my building that doesn't appear to have a home, though and I think I might go drag it into my apartment. Let's just say it's compulsive and eventually, I will (!) have beautiful house plants.
You can see where this is going. I decided to go on a date. If you know me, (and if you don't, then just finish the sentence), I am friends with primarily men so of course, I have scooped all the good ones in town for friends. It's no good to shit where you eat. So that leaves me with other options for meeting men. Yes, internet dating services. So what? All the cool kids are doing it and I am a cool kid. Don't doubt it!
I had been emailing "D1", as we'll call him for the purpose of the story for a short while and we seemed to have a decent amount in common. He lives in Fort Collins and knows about what is going on in my life. "D2" (if you haven't caught on, they have the same exact name) emailed me on the actual site and I vaguely remember going, "Um....Yeah, no." after speaking to him on the phone. This was awhile ago and D1 and I have exchanged phone numbers to arrange a date to go to Roma tonight. Bear in mind that I spoke to D2 on the phone before I was on meds and it was quite awhile ago. Also, it was before I had spoken to D1 on the phone and was months ago, so I barely remember his voice. Actually I don't remember it at all.
Thus, when D2 texts me, "I've got things covered at the office. Do you want to go to a movie?" Heck yes, I do! I haven't been to a movie in ages! At this point I'm thinking D1 just wants to move our plans for today to yesterday, (which is when all this occurred, in case you're confused). Consarn texting (in this one case!) because I thought D1 was at work or something and that's why his name didn't show up on his text or phone call. I don't know! I'm freaking medicated! Logic and reason fly out the window! Plus weirder things have happened! Read on!
D2 calls me for directions which I give him. They seem straightforward and simple. I'm not sure how much more simple I could get. He says he'll call me when he gets to the gas station just off the Interstate, which I think is odd but okay. I am directionally retarded so possibly he is too. He, then does so and I ask him how far onto Highway 34 he is. He says he is at the gas station. I'm thinking, "Wow, this guy is literal. I kind of meant when he passes the gas station. He meant he was actually getting to the gas station." It is then that he says, "You remember I drive a motorcycle right? Inisde my head I do not remember this as D1 never mentioned it in his emails or anything and mentione that I did not or said something like, "Oh, I forgot." I was informed that he can only pull over to talk, which made the whole literally going to the gas station to talk a lot of sense. I give him further directions, all the way into Greeley and he decides to stop at the King Soopers plaza to call me further. However, when he calls me, he is at the Safeway near my house. He has somehow made it there. I don't know how. I'm pretty sure he took the first business exit even though I told him not to. I tell him the shortest way around the block to my house and meet him out front.
I quickly discover that I am not meeting D1 for a movie. Who the hell is this guy? I know what D1 looks like! Then he says somethting that jogs my memory. He says, "Well you've never seen my picture but I've seen yours so I hope you don't think I'm a total ogre." D2! Holy crap! This is D2! I have just agreed to go out on a date with the guy I have been avoiding and why he has contacted me after all this time, I don't know. He's actually kind of a fuckwad too. I decide we're going to see the new Halloween. I want to see it because I've been wanting to see it and well, D2 has some sort of weird rule about only wanting to see R-rated movies, but also Rob Zombie directed it and I enjoy his movies, despite his obsession with clowns.
I'm a little freaked out because what if I have a seizure while on the motorcycle but decide to throw caution to the wind. I've never been on one and actually it's glorious. It bothers me a lot that he doesn't have helmets so I am saying to the universe, "Please don't let me get splattered on the road on a date with D2. Okay? I would wear a helmet, it's just he seems to be of the persuasion that helmets are uncool and your brains on the highway are supercool." By the way, if you call his voicemail, he refers to himself (okay I'm giving names away here, but seriously, this is too much!!!) he refers to himself as "SupahDave!" Holy Christ! I find this out only after the actual "David" calls me while we are in the movie and I get the message when I get home and I tell him about the mistaken identity crisis.
Now the masks are off I can tell you SupahDave thinks he is the shit. He is also like in his late thirties and they are not treating him well. I am not attracted to him AT ALL. I would definitely date someone in their late thirties if they had not tried to slip Diet Coke soaked ice down my shirt and cop a feel at the same time. Hey SupahDave! I'm trying to watch the damn movie! Also he thinks I should feed him Milk Duds. What? When I tell him he is being too forward, he settles down for a few, but then tries to feed them to me, attempting to shove his windburned hand into my mouth. I'm like "No! Jesus! What the hell is this?" He then proceeds to tell me I should kiss him and pushes his lips against mine and I'm all, "Look Dr. Octopus, I don't think so! You're really pissing me off."
So, I ended up spending my viewing of the new Halloween with SupahDave and not the pleasant David, who is actually coming up for pizza at Roma. SupahDave, in all his years had never seen a horror film besides "The Shining" and his only comment? "There was lots of gratuitous sex." I was wondering where he was during the violence and slashing part. Oh yeah. Trying to put ice down my shirt, amongst other things. I have filed him with my ex-roommate who has never heard of Burt Reynolds and the other roommate who lived with us at the time who got knocked up by her boyfriend but wasn't sure whether or not he had both of his testicles. SupahDave can ride off into hell for all I care and well, the actual David is looking forward to a slice of pizza today.
So am I, now that everything is cleared up.
This, my friends, could only happen to me and my sitcom of a life.
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