GASP!

Do you want to know what I think is a major detriment to our society? Too bad you clicked on my blog, now I'm going to tell you.

Relationship Self-Help Books!!!

Put them down, now. NOW. Also, when I am just venting about something in my life, do NOT say, "You know...I've been reading this Dr.Phil book about how he got through his divorce and came to terms with dating again..." *cough* Yes, Dr. Phil and I are aware it's pretty hard to see when you're so far up Oprah's ass. Next! "Wendy, maybe you just can't see the forest for the trees. I will lend you my copy of 'He's Just Not That Into You' but you've got to give it back because it's like my relationship Bible. I can so relate and see myself in there. Maybe you will too." Invariably, when someone tries to give me a book like this, (and I always accept it for a few days, possibly even cracking it if I am really desperate), their proffering is always followed by a *pat pat* on my back as I hold said book in my hands. Usually I swing my head around and give the person an "Are you a mothafuckin' crazy ass?" look or just make my back arc inwards like my cat does when she doesn't want a pet as she walks by or is slinking under the bathroom door.

The shenanigans started back in high school when a little book called "The Rules" came out and one of my friends was on this shit like stink on a monkey or shit. Whatever stink sticks more to.



This book is currently being sold on www.amazon.com for one cent. Yup. One stinkin' cent. So if some jerk says to you in chit chat or small talk, "What can you get for one cent these days, huh?" Now you have an answer. The authors are now divorced as well. Just like Dr.Phil. So, when I said, "No thank you" in high school to my friend who thought "The Rules" were the way to go, even up to the point when we grew apart and well, married a douchebag who enjoyed going to Walgreens and buying massive amounts of LCD lights and was just a touch more controlling than her, going so far as to ruin our last Christmas before she got married (planned before they met--I bought the plane tickets as a Christmas present as it was tradition for each of us to trade off each year) and actually cancel Christmas because, and I think "The Rules" would have agreed, she was finally doing something for herself after all these years of being Cinderella. I never read "The Rules" all the way through but I think once you get the man who is douchebag enough to become engaged to you after you have holiday travel plans in place with your high school friend of close to 16 years and then is okay with you cancelling them so you can be with him, even though he is working most of when you will be gone, you get a graduation certificate and a pre-nup in the mail. After all, the authors ARE divorced. I think they enclose a note that says, "Nothing personal honey but most likely with your graduation you also lost one or a handful of friends and you're going to need this pre-nup to keep your money to buy a lot of ice cream to cry yourself to sleep at night if something should happen. Love, The Dumbasses who wrote this Book. PS. But you caught him, right? Right? Our job is done!"

A woman I used to be a personal assistant for lent me "He's Just Not That Into You" on tape. She travelled a lot so this was good for her. In my world, paper is better. If my Mom were here, she might remind you of the time I listened to Dennis Miller's "Rants" in its entirety on my Walkman in high school and what a bad mood I was in for two days. I couldn't explain it. Then we figured it out. Dennis Miller! She said, "Please do not listen to books on tape, Wendy. Especially him. They're not music." It all has to do with my love of being read to and all that so I have to just rely on humans to read to me. Eventually they get tired and stop. But I digress.

One night, I stuck CD number One of "He's Just Not That Into You" into my CD player as I crawled into bed. Worst Idea Ever! I couldn't go to sleep, thinking, "Oh shit. I'm the neediest, most co-dependent, horrible woman in the universe. I am every woman on that CD!" I went to sleep crying and humiliated. The truth is I was none of these things. The truth is, I have my own quirks in handling guys and I know what they are but they certainly don't require reading a fucking book. I think if you are reading a book to find out how to instantly solve life's problems, you need to head to therapy. I'm being serious here. That's where they help you. There is no way to solve things in books unless it's a crossword puzzle. If you have trouble with relationships, these assholes are just making money off of your misery and I have a problem with that. I have a problem with the fact that there isn't a book where, on every page the sentence, "Go to therapy" is typed. The title would be "How to Really Solve Your Problems But It Might Take Some Work On Your Part Just Like You Have to Exercise and Change Your Diet to Lose Weight." Possibly I might just call it "Gasp!"

I have fairly smart, brilliant friends, too so I listen to them. Currently, I can't think of any of them who would give me one of these books. They're guys though, most of them and the few women I allow in my world would just stone could hit me with one of these books because they were handy in a bookstore if I was acting like an idiot. This is a lot better. I recommend this as an alternative. No one is going to have an apple fall onto their head concerning anything while reading a self-help book. Not a damn thing. And you'll be out $29.95. Or one cent. It depends on what you buy.