Internet Dating on Plenty Offish: Part 3

This is the stupidest fucking site ever. EVAR.

I don't know if I'm just getting to the age where everyone in my peer group has pushed out puppies or if this site just attracts single people (a friend of mine says he used it and that the women were rife with children as well) with children and a prevalent "I've just given up on life in general" look in their eye but either way, this experiment is over. The three guys I didn't feel I needed rubber gloves and a face mask to email have either not responded or responded once and then wandered off into what I can only imagine are the depths of treasure awaiting them in the Plenty Offish universe. Right. Uh huh. Oh no they din't.

I do have a fish who, despite my repeatedly removing myself from his favorites list, keeps adding me to his favorites list. You'll remember him as Mr. List from Part 1. He's pretty much stalking me on Plenty Offish. Everyday I wake up and I get an email saying I've been put on someone's favorites list! Everyday I hope it's Mr. Hummus or Mr. Neighbor! Everyday it's Mr. List! How many times does a woman have to disappear off your favorites list before you get the point that she's probably not going to respond to you? Add that to the fact that you have not even attempted to email her and you're just plain being creepy. I'm apparently one of your favorite pictures on there. Man, am I blessed. Nothing makes me want to be the Special of the Day at Red Lobster like constantly removing myself from Mr. List's favorites. That, and the fact that I had such hopes for Mr. Hummus.

I just can't get a hang of this dating thing. Even for entertainment's sake.

Maybe the women on there are super dreamy but my friend says, "No." So, this says to me, Hey I have a running chance at beating these bottom feeders to the two or three gems I spot. But maybe there are a handful of women that are decent on there and they're all running after the same Mr.'s I am, a school of she-fish swimming upstream during mating season. The trouble is, I'm not a very good swimmer. I can doggy paddle and float pretty well but that's just not going to cut it.

Thus, I suppose I'll just swim around my tank aimlessly for awhile, crocheting and peering out the glass now and again at my inbox.

I'll let you know if anything happens.

My Interview With a Nudist in Chat

I was pretty bored today after eating my lunch and well, I thought I needed an interview. No one I really wanted to interview was around and so I thought, "Hey! There's probably someone in a chat room I could turn into an interview." Sure enough, as they say, ask and ye shall receive. I lucked out and was IM'd by a nudist. You should know he doesn't know I'm interviewing him. This is sort of Animal Planet style where you don't interrupt the Circle of Life. You just capture it. Note: No nudists were harmed in the making of this interview.

Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 11:57:30 AM): hi
G M (9/30/2007 11:57:35 AM): how r u
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 11:58:42 AM): good. just eating some lunch
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 11:58:45 AM): you?
G M (9/30/2007 11:59:11 AM): kinda bored
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 11:59:23 AM): say what? on chat?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 11:59:27 AM): lol
G M (9/30/2007 11:59:48 AM): yes
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 11:59:55 AM): are you married?
G M (9/30/2007 12:00:18 PM): not anymore
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:00:34 PM): the reason i ask is because of your screenname
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:00:42 PM): are you a nude family?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:00:47 PM): or what....
G M (9/30/2007 12:00:57 PM): yes we are just me and my kids
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:01:07 PM): and you're nude?
G M (9/30/2007 12:01:21 PM): yes
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:01:31 PM): constantly?
G M (9/30/2007 12:01:37 PM): yes
G M (9/30/2007 12:01:41 PM): all the time
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:01:53 PM): even when you go for some milk?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:02:11 PM): or do you put on a poncho?
G M (9/30/2007 12:02:13 PM): well no i put on clothes when i go out
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:02:30 PM): how old are your kids?
G M (9/30/2007 12:02:45 PM): 20/21
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:02:57 PM): so they are nude around each other?
G M (9/30/2007 12:03:08 PM): yep
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:03:22 PM): and this is not an "odd" thing to them?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:03:30 PM): "say, i see my sister naked!"
G M (9/30/2007 12:03:32 PM): no
G M (9/30/2007 12:03:41 PM): its natural
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:03:56 PM): right...but well, what's the privacy situation?
G M (9/30/2007 12:04:41 PM): well we give each other their privacy when its needed
G M (9/30/2007 12:04:56 PM): we r not a sexual family we r just nudists
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:05:01 PM): no i get that
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:05:08 PM): i'm just curious
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:05:14 PM): is there a door on the bathroom?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:05:21 PM): or do you just wander in and out
G M (9/30/2007 12:05:23 PM): yes there is a door
G M (9/30/2007 12:05:38 PM): we dont just walk in on each other
G M (9/30/2007 12:05:54 PM): we just walk around nude
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:06:07 PM): what's the cooking situation?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:06:18 PM): do you primarily use a microwave?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:06:26 PM): or do you have a rubber apron?
G M (9/30/2007 12:06:29 PM): not all the time
G M (9/30/2007 12:06:41 PM): we do wear an apron
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:06:50 PM): so you're not a bacon eating family, really?
G M (9/30/2007 12:07:03 PM): sometimes
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:07:16 PM): do you have bacon shields?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:07:27 PM): or a burn kit on hand?
G M (9/30/2007 12:07:44 PM): we r carefull what we cook
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:07:54 PM): i imagine!
G M (9/30/2007 12:07:55 PM): we eat out alot
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:08:39 PM): you probably eat at nice places. you know, you save all that money on clothes!
G M (9/30/2007 12:08:59 PM): we do
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:09:17 PM): i mean clothes cost a lot. even when you bargain hunt
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:09:22 PM): i'm a bargain hunter
G M (9/30/2007 12:09:28 PM): oh they do
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:10:09 PM): i'm just thinking about all the meal out i could buy if i had like a track suit for going out to eat and then becoming a nudist and saving all that money for awesome food
G M (9/30/2007 12:10:38 PM): u should try it
G M (9/30/2007 12:10:43 PM): u might like it
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:10:46 PM): i'm really thinking about it!
G M (9/30/2007 12:10:57 PM): its relaxing
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:11:13 PM): my couch is scratchy though.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:11:27 PM): but again, i could buy a soft one with the money i save on clothes!
G M (9/30/2007 12:11:39 PM): thats true
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:11:47 PM): lots of throw pillows
G M (9/30/2007 12:11:57 PM): i would like to meet another nudist person
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:12:09 PM): oh chenille would be a whole other experience
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:12:29 PM): isn't matthew mcconaghey a nudist?
G M (9/30/2007 12:12:36 PM): i think so
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:12:37 PM): i'd like to meet him
G M (9/30/2007 12:12:53 PM): i see nothin wrong with beeing a nudist
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:13:02 PM): ewan magregor is a nudist, too you know
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:13:10 PM): oh no there's nothing wrong with it
G M (9/30/2007 12:13:21 PM): we like it
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:13:21 PM): in fact the beaches alone are worth it
G M (9/30/2007 12:13:30 PM): oh yes they r
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:13:51 PM): they aren't overrun with people in hideous bathing suits and screaming children
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:14:01 PM): i imagine they're fairly peaceful and lovely
G M (9/30/2007 12:14:09 PM): they r
G M (9/30/2007 12:14:15 PM): do u live alone
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:14:21 PM): yes
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:14:39 PM): and i don't really eat bacon unless i'm out
G M (9/30/2007 12:14:47 PM): well u should take off all ur clothes and see what it feels like
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:14:56 PM): i took a shower today
G M (9/30/2007 12:14:57 PM): u migt enjoy it
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:15:02 PM): i know what it feels like
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:15:16 PM): i'm not saying i don't enjoy being nude
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:15:33 PM): it's just i've never really thought about being a "nudist"
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:15:51 PM): adding "ist" to a word implies a whole change in lifestyle you know?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:15:56 PM): what about guests?
G M (9/30/2007 12:16:20 PM): well u just have to put on something
G M (9/30/2007 12:16:28 PM): we dont have very many guests
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:16:45 PM): my track suit for dining out won't do. i'll have to have a visitors outfit, too.
G M (9/30/2007 12:16:58 PM): yeah
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:17:06 PM): can i still wear a wig if i'm a nudist?
G M (9/30/2007 12:17:06 PM): u should became a nudist
G M (9/30/2007 12:17:13 PM): yes u cam
G M (9/30/2007 12:17:20 PM): can
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:17:21 PM): well i'm considering the options.
G M (9/30/2007 12:17:28 PM): please do
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:17:45 PM): i mean you can't just take something like this lightly
G M (9/30/2007 12:17:52 PM): i know
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:18:05 PM): can i still wear my shoes?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:18:09 PM): i love shoes
G M (9/30/2007 12:18:10 PM): u have to think about it try it a couple times
G M (9/30/2007 12:18:17 PM): u can wear shoes
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:18:27 PM): but then i'm not really nude, though?
G M (9/30/2007 12:18:34 PM): yes u r
G M (9/30/2007 12:18:39 PM): no clothes
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:19:16 PM): so the definition of nude is if the parts of your body that are unacceptable say, while rollerskating down the sidewalk, are exposed?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:20:03 PM): technically i could walk outside in a bikini and no one would care.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:20:11 PM): well maybe some honking would occur.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:20:17 PM): but you get the idea.
G M (9/30/2007 12:20:21 PM): im sure it would
G M (9/30/2007 12:20:29 PM): i got the idea
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:20:39 PM): okay, okay...hmm.
G M (9/30/2007 12:20:49 PM): try it
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:21:00 PM): well you can't be pressured into something.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:21:09 PM): i'm glad you came along to answer questions.
G M (9/30/2007 12:21:19 PM): no problem
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:21:32 PM): what if i dated a non-nudist?
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:22:04 PM): i would start amassing clothing for dates and such and then i wouldn't be able to afford such nice dinners out.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:22:20 PM): or a replacement couch.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:22:26 PM): or burn cream.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:22:50 PM): i'm kind of a klutz
G M (9/30/2007 12:22:50 PM): sure u will
G M (9/30/2007 12:22:59 PM): u will be fine
G M (9/30/2007 12:23:05 PM): trust me
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:23:17 PM): there's no guarantee though!
G M (9/30/2007 12:23:29 PM): no
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:23:56 PM): if i became serious with a non-nudist, i'd probably just have to wear clothes all the time. my naked time would be cut to like nil.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:24:05 PM): it's like dating a vegetarian
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:24:12 PM): you get to eat very little meat.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:24:27 PM): or an alcoholic.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:24:34 PM): you have to go to their meetings.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:25:14 PM): what about excercise?
G M (9/30/2007 12:25:18 PM): well u just have to take chances
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:25:31 PM): i know. i'm all about chances
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:25:41 PM): but i like to know what i'm getting into
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:25:54 PM): do you guys excercise?
G M (9/30/2007 12:26:04 PM): yes we do
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:26:15 PM): what sort is best for nudists?
G M (9/30/2007 12:26:28 PM): we do it all
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:26:35 PM): really?
G M (9/30/2007 12:26:45 PM): yes
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:26:53 PM): wow. thank you so much.
G M (9/30/2007 12:27:13 PM): ur welcome
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:27:18 PM): i'm going to go sit and watch some cartoons nude.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:27:26 PM): i'll start out slow.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:27:32 PM): thanks for your time.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:28:08 PM): i'll let you know how it goes
G M (9/30/2007 12:28:15 PM): please do
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:28:20 PM): have a good day!
G M (9/30/2007 12:28:30 PM): i will u 2
G M (9/30/2007 12:28:37 PM): please try it
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:28:46 PM): i'm going to ..right now.
Wendy Liddell (9/30/2007 12:28:52 PM): bye!
G M (9/30/2007 12:29:16 PM): bye

Internet Dating on Plenty Offish: Part 2

There is a half dollar sized burn in my carpet. It's not important to the story how it got there. This morning I noticed, as I sat down to check my email, a single confetti heart sitting within the burned spot, my favorite brown headband encircling the entire site. My carpet has heartburn. Yet, it seems so happy.

Maybe this is a good sign.

I admit to being a bit superstitious.

Evidence of this being that, when I saw it, I thought of the email I received in my fish tank (as I have come to think of my inbox on plentyoffish.com) last night from someone who was actually interesting. I contacted him first, having been quite impressed with his mandatory essay that, again, like Mr. Chinese Medicine (whom I have not heard back from because, I like to think maybe he is floating upside down at the top of his tank or maybe he ate too many fish flakes and is hunkering down behind a ceramic scuba diver for a few days) I think would have appeared even had it not been mandatory.

When I emailed him, I baited my hook with a paragraph of genuine Wendy and a hummus recipe handed down to me from my close friend Jana (who will be returning home on Wednesday and possibly that is a good sign as well) and noted that I sometimes add a cup of sharp cheddar cheese and a few slices of pre-cooked bacon, crumbled to give it an extra kick of deliciousness.

This went over like Mary Poppins's umbrella! I was happy to find a lovely email response which included a line that said, "if you were for sale on Ebay I would give the seller an a+++." It also started out with, "You get it," which is nice to hear because I feel that I do but I feel that so many men out there don't get me. To some degree at least, on an email level, this fish gets my witticisms and seems to be an adult with a childlike humor. The hard part is waiting for a reply to the email I sent to his fishtank in response to his lovely email. I'm also dying to know if he liked the hummus. He said he was going to try it and said he had quite the palate for middle-eastern cuisine.

On the plane of strange occurrences or things that make you go "hmmm," I have done some possible networking through Plenty Offish. One of the fish found out I was a photographer and has done some acting in Los Angeles. He needs new head shots. Okay. I can do that. I've suddenly had some side projects popping up on a freelance basis that has spawned a sister to Tangerine Photography and Wordography called Satsuma Imagery (a Satsuma being a Japanese tangerine.) Basically, I've come up with a possibility to make some cash if this guy comes through. Neato. Note to self: Email Kelly my logos today.

I don't want to leave you thinking I haven't come across some weird breeds of fish. No, Plenty Offish is teeming with these things. Today's favorite (I really wish I could post photos in this case but it's just not ethical) has a look on his face that can only be described as "Yes. This is as good as it gets. Also, I just found out my ferret died." *insert really long sigh here* The downward arc of his mouth is not so much a frown as it is an upside down rainbow which apparently depresses all the rainbows in the world on sight. It's complimented by his carefully spiked blonde hair and his "I've just given up on anything happy in this world" look in his eye. I am dying to know what sort of emails he gets in his fish tank, but since I have no way of knowing, here's his mandatory essay, which again, I don't think would appear if the almighty Markus hadn't forced him to do it.

"I am the kind of guy who loves to ski in the wintertime. And who plays on a baseball and softball team in the summertime. I occasionally throw a small party for my friends at my house and go to a few here in their I am open-minded to lots of activities
You should be------->under 5-9", attractive, easy going, inteligent, spontanious, fun, and posses a good sence of humor. Gainfully employed, self sufficient(car), and single.
I like girls that laugh at my stupid jokes, And love girls that laugh at my smart ones.I am not looking for someone who is going to cause a lot of drama in my life. Although I do think it's a necessary evil in life I am easy-going and can compromise on many things I am not looking for a sex partner . I am looking for someone who can take care of themselves in situations. as well likes to make life better for themselves. anyway, if you fit the bill, drop me a line and will have a conversation or 2, and take it from there. send a pic for a response as well. F.Y.Ithat is a recent pic."

So, to recap (I copy and paste directly, so this is how they write them, folks), Mr. Sad Sack likes to ski when there is snow and do summertime things when it is summertime. Also, he has the worst grammar in the universe and likes to show it off at parties he likes to throw here and their.

Additionally, he's not picky at all about appearance as long as you are under 5'9" (that's a nice round number to pick), easy-going, attractive and intelligent (someone has to know how to spell in this relationship). Oh! You must also be self-sufficient which means you own a car. Once again, you are allowed to live in your parents' basement with four kids living on alimony but as long as you have a car, that is cool. Public transportation and not polluting the environment is for losers, according to him. That would really put him out. He is also not looking for sex because that would just cheer him up. Just so you know, the picture he posted is recent so that's what you're going to get. He looks like that right now. Contact him now.

I think I'll pass on this fish and see how it turns out with Mr. Hummus. In the meantime, since I finally finished the quilt I'd been putting off completing, I think I'll keep working on the scarf I've been crocheting. Tomorrow is Crochet Club Tuesday, population two. It's awesome. I think we get to watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" on DVD. Nice.

Until next time!

Internet Dating on Plenty Offish: Part 1

I have a theory that the Universe uses my dating life as an experiment and/or self-entertainment. To confirm that, I just heard a fender bender occur down the street as I typed that sentence. As though it were nodding in agreement or saying, "Since you don't have any dates set up, check out what I did to these guys!! I'm awesome!! Sunday rules!!" I pretty much think of whoever runs the Universe as this omnipotent dude who somehow acquired a Universe in a Box one night off late night television while really stoned and then couldn't return it so he decided just to fuck with us as much as possible. It's like the SIM'S but we're real and he enjoys the hell out of us, much to our disappointment and detriment. I think sometimes his friends get their hands on it and play with it and that's when good things happen. Like maybe he has this one friend who is overly idealistic and likes it when people fall in love or get a raise, etc. This annoys Universe Dude but he's too lazy to correct it so it happens.

Well, If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I have decided to join a site that a man named Markus, whom I know nothing about, other than he runs a free dating site called plentyoffish.com (which can also be read Plenty Offish and is more accurate for dating sites in my opinion) out of his basement.

I signed up for an account last night. I uploaded what I thought was a nice picture of myself, filled out all the pertinent info such as:

I am a woman: check!
I want to date a man: check!
Hmmm age range? 29 to 39: check!
No I do not want kids: check!
No I do not have kids: check! check!
Body type: average (boring, but that's what I is!): check!
Mammal: check!
Here for? (Here's where it gets tricky...you have to decide EXACTLY what you want out of life at the moment and choose it. Luckily I already know) Long term relationship: Check!

And there were other things such as filling out a MANDATORY (thank you Markus!) essay about yourself. Seriously, thanks be to the almighty Markus and his basement for making this mandatory because nothing makes me more suspicious than someone who won't talk about themselves. It's funny, though, because you can spot those guys right off anyway. They tend to make lists or act defensive like you just yelled "What the fuck do YOU want?" at them and then tossed your hair and batted your eyes at them. I happened to make the favorite list of one of such gentleman in just one night. He also has a kid so apparently he's what I will here on out refer to as a Picture Flipper. As in "Yup. Like That 'Un." Basically they don't read your profile (The NO KIDS ALLOWED sign is displayed right up top so he would just have to lower his eyeballs. That's how I know he is a Picture Flipper.)

Here's his charming self description (I would wager he is one of those guys who would either put nothing in his profile or just a sentence if Markus wasn't such a hardass and required him to fill out an essay):


"What I am not:
I am not someone concerned with getting in your pants on a first date.
I am not someone who cares if you have children. I have one of my own.
I am not someone who cares if you are a beauty queen, a model or a tri-athlete in training.
I am not a doormat.

What I am:
A man who is tired of games, cheaters and liars.
A man who is intelligent, funny and a little strange. LOL. Not strange in a bad way but I dont like to talk about all the normal boring things. I like to make it as interesting as possible.
A man who listens and cares about what you have to say.
A man who is looking for a relationship that lasts, starting with friendship first. I want something that is going to last.

I am a little overwieght and I will admit it. I am working on losing it a little at a time. For anyone who over looks me because I am well you should ask me for a picture of what I am working on getting back to before you do that. For those who do overlook me well I hope you regret it when the pictures get updates.

I like talking to someone and looking them in the eye when I do. I like conversation that can last hours, I actually prefer it to tv or other forms of mindless entertainment.

I like taking my son on scenic drives and when he gets a little older I am going to take him hiking and camping.

There is so much more to me then can be put into this tiny little box. All you have to do is take a chance and find out for yourself."

Okay then.

Oh, also there is a box marked "Mail Settings: To Message So and So You Must Meet the Following Criteria"

This is what was listed from the questionairre results he filled out when he opened his Plenty Offish (or if you like, Plenty of Fish, but I just don't think that's realistic):
"Must Not Do Drugs"

Wow. That's it? That's what the machine spilled out for him? He doesn't care if she's dating three other men, is a tranny with his/her own drag show every Tuesday night at the Grizzly Rose called Roll in the Hey Hey! and making money on the side as a high class female escort where if you pay extra she'll indulge a client's foot fetish just as long as she's not snorting, smoking or hanging needles out of her arm while doing it?

Fair enough. To each his own.
(I would retake that little personality test though)

On my end of things I emailed two guys last night One seemed less than my type but he was wearing these really cool noise cancelers on his ears in his picture like they wear at the airport. I thought it was a cool picture. And I mentioned it. It's really, really, really hard to email people on these sites. It's like sending letters to people you've just seen on the street and you liked their shirt so you thought you'd detail this on stationary and send it to them.

Apparently, my clever wit about his sound cancelers went over like a lead balloon.

I tried to IM him on there later (because that's what you do on these things!) and it went like this (He will be known as Mr. X)

"Waiting to connect to Mr. X"
"Mr. X's chat window is open"
"Mr. X's chat window is closed"

I could almost hear the girl scream escape his mouth when he saw who it was. Alternately I could almost see the the little bit of throw up come up into his mouth when he saw who it was.

On the other hand, I could feel his pain, though I think Mr. X got the better end of the stick as I simply said hello.

At the very moment I was IM'ing someone else, the exact moment, someone else IM'd me. This is not who I clicked on, I said. Oh well, whatever. So I begin talking to Mr. Disgusto. (We're calling him this not by looks but by mere manners and not knowing how to treat a lady--this is an important thing with me.)

Basically there are pleasantries exchanged about weather and other trite things and I'm thinking I'm really tired and would like to go to bed when he says, "Do You like "rerin it up?" I have no idea what he's saying to me and I think he's committed some major spelling error or just can't converse or he is a record being played at a very low RPM. None of these things make me want to speak to him further but my curiosity gets the better of me. I say, "Rerin it up?" He then proceeds to ask if I like a particular sexual act and I say, "Pardon?" followed by "You don't just ask someone that out of the blue" and then I very pointedly click my IM window closed.

I also emailed someone I thought I might get along really well with. He's from Boulder and works in Chinese Medicine. Neato! Also he reads and his mandatory essay probably would have happened anyway. He sounded really smart and laid back and had nice hair. By that I mean I thought he looked nice. The whole site is like Markus took a little bit from Facebook, a little bit from Myspace and a little bit from Match.com. You can send gifts with your emails. I just sent Chinese Medicine guy one of my two alotted roses you get per month to entice him. I feel sending him a gift from the selection of convenience store inspired gifts is a bit much. Who knows if I'll hear back from him. If we hit it off, maybe I will send him an appetite ruining bear with hearts around it. Maybe. I don't want to make yet another person throw up in their mouth.

Until next time!

Get Your McPhD While You're Young

My Mom is so encouraging.

I'm talking above and beyond the call of Mom duty.

I was just talking to her today because my friend Rachel got me to join this professional social network where people in suits and sticks up their butts take themselves way too seriously. It's like Myspace or Facebook for people with offices and briefcases that have no sense of humor except you can't play Scrabble (GASP!), leave comments or have a song on your page. It doesn't even support HTML so I couldn't even post my logo. Insert long drawn out sigh here.

Rachel thought we could shake things up a little and have fun with it. I'm not sure if Rachel knows that I have a penchant for filling things out (just not in duplicate or triplicate) so I'm always up for something like this as long as it isn't an internet dating service (I'm so done with that you could serve me on a platter with a side dish.) Rachel, it turns out, couldn't be as playful with it as she wanted to because she has an actual PhD (gooooooo Rachel!!) and is a professor. Apparently, she spotted some of her colleagues on there. Still, she was a bit silly with her profile. I, however, would not run into any of my colleagues on there and even if I did they would laugh their ass off and appreciate anything I put on there.

Back to my Mom and where I am telling her about my little venture with Rachel. I tell her I am mixing a little reality in with a lot of ridiculousness. I explain I have put in a lot of actual professional positions I have held, including my current baby company. I even put my awesome bumbly two years of college that seems a lifetime ago and the only things I really remember from it all are toward the end: a kick-ass film class and a life drawing class where I drew the nude model. The teacher exclaimed, passing by, "That's quite erotic!" Then I tell my Mom that I put that I went to Hamburger University and, in my research, I found out no one has ever obtained the McPhD.

As I checked out all the history of Hamburger University, I really wanted to be the first person to get a McPhD. I'm not sure if I would be a Doctor of Hamburgers or what but really, it would be a seriously cool book to write. The coolest part, though, is that my Mom, after I tell her this, says, "You're young, do it!" I pish toshed her and she persisted, saying, "Where is it?" I told her it was in some place like Elk Stink, Illinois or something similar but that they actually have a very pretty campus and 5000 students go through there every year! Wikipedia makes it sound very much like a breeding ground for mad scientists with mentions of labs and McDegrees, McMasters and the coveted McPhD (which I don't know if it is just due to lack of interest, embarrassment or "Seriously? you have a McPhD? sort of responses that scare people away and I'm the only person who is drawn toward those types of responses.) Yes, I would like to list Hamburger University on my resume. After all, the only scholarship I ever received was for $40,000. Not too shabby. And it was for a bionic part.

So maybe I'll look into it. It's possible I can cut the mustard.

My Interview With a Guy In Chat Who Believed In Wee Britain

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:05:54 PM): how are you tonight

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:06:30 PM): very well except the idiots in chat

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:06:34 PM): you?

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:06:47 PM): yes there are alot of them

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:07:04 PM): not to bad chechin the accounts

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:07:19 PM): pardon?

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:07:44 PM): looking at my online bank account

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:07:58 PM): oh doing well are you?

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:08:18 PM): oh doing ok lol lol lol

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:08:51 PM): that's good. at least you won't be asking for alms from hobos

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:08:52 PM): and bored

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:09:02 PM): fancy that

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:09:06 PM): round here

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:09:28 PM):

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:09:36 PM): Are you having a nice evening

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:09:49 PM): it's alright

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:10:06 PM): it's been a hard night at work

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:10:29 PM): ah may i ask what you do

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:10:43 PM): i'm a street performer on the 16th st mall

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:11:00 PM): bit chilly out

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:11:31 PM): really

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:11:34 PM): yes

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:11:45 PM): what do you perform

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:12:24 PM): i do performance art, mostly interpretive dance with two others

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:12:42 PM): thats cool

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:12:47 PM): sounds nice

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:13:47 PM): i like it. i also do some posing for some of the colleges in the area for life drawing classes

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:14:24 PM): hmmm

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:14:29 PM): posing like

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:14:39 PM): for drawings

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:15:02 PM): hmmm

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:15:07 PM): hmm?

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:15:09 PM): what do you pose in

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:15:16 PM): a classroom?

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:15:23 PM): oh ok

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:15:37 PM): so you dress up and they draw you

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:15:48 PM): no there aren't any costumes

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:16:00 PM): i'm nude

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:16:04 PM): oh

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:16:08 PM): that's how it works

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:16:11 PM): ah

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:16:14 PM): um

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:16:17 PM): wow

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:16:29 PM): never been in a class like that

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:16:38 PM): it's like being at the doctor's office

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:17:03 PM): except they don't poke at you with their pencils

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:17:10 PM): you must be really comfortable with your body

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:17:20 PM): sure, why not/

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:18:13 PM): thats good

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:18:18 PM): alot of people arent

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:18:23 PM): true

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:18:29 PM): sickies

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:18:58 PM): oh be nice

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:19:04 PM): what?

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:19:15 PM): does that mean something different here?

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:19:37 PM): i meant it as in pity

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:19:45 PM): ah

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:19:56 PM): well i am comfy with mine

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:20:23 PM): alot of woman have kids and stomachs do not look the same after so they are self consious

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:20:38 PM): that's nature for you

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:21:03 PM): thank goodness for orphanges

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:21:52 PM): have you ever been to wee britain?

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:22:30 PM): no mam I have not

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:22:38 PM): oh you have to go

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:22:51 PM): it's about one street over from 16th street

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:23:02 PM): they even run on greenwich mean time

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:23:09 PM): really thats cool

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:23:09 PM): it's like chinatown

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:23:18 PM): yes it makes me feel at home

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:23:57 PM): the only place i can get bangers to satisfy my mouth

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:24:16 PM):

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:24:25 PM): what are bangers

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:24:37 PM): um...oh right. sausages

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:24:53 PM): ah ok

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:24:58 PM): like brats

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:25:09 PM): more like breakfast sausages

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:25:31 PM): usually you get bangers and mash

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:25:41 PM): oh ok

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:25:49 PM): are you english

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:25:56 PM): yes

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:26:15 PM): Did you grow up in colorado

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:26:18 PM): no

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:26:28 PM): i have only been here a year

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:26:59 PM): before here?

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:27:22 PM): i grew up in devonshire

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:27:37 PM): hmmm sounds nice

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:28:13 PM): yes it was nice

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:28:16 PM): i liked it

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:29:45 PM): it's right by the English Channel, which everyone tries to cross

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:29:50 PM): thats good

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:29:56 PM): why did you come here

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:30:07 PM): oh classic

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:30:10 PM): a man

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:30:40 PM): i actually met him when he tried to cross the English Channel from the English side

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:30:54 PM): ah and you are still with him

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:30:58 PM): oh no

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:31:08 PM): he drowned

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:31:27 PM): so i came here to get a new start

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:31:45 PM): oh i am sorry

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:31:50 PM): please forgive me

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:31:56 PM): oh no need

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:32:06 PM): we only knew each other a short time

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:32:17 PM): you see i was the reason he drowned

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:32:43 PM): he was talking to me and didn't see some moss

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:32:44 PM): that sounds wild

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:32:48 PM): and slipped

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:32:50 PM): and fell in

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:32:54 PM): and drowned

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:32:57 PM): oh dang

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:33:00 PM): yeah

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:33:15 PM): i like to think we would have gotten along

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:33:28 PM): but you can't blame yourself for a bit of moss

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:33:28 PM): yes

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:33:43 PM): so you dating now

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:34:17 PM): oh well once the novelty of my accent wears off, i think people find me a bit odd

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:34:28 PM): plus no standing near water

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:34:30 PM): lol

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:34:44 PM): i see

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:34:58 PM): oh sorry. i know it's morbid

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:35:05 PM): but you have to laugh or you cry

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:35:30 PM): nothing wrong with crying

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:35:40 PM): oh i do sometimes

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:35:50 PM): but i much prefer laughing

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:36:17 PM): if you really think about it, it's kind of funny

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:36:42 PM): aside from the drowning bit

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:37:30 PM): so are you single

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:37:34 PM): yes

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:37:41 PM): do you have children

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:37:44 PM): no

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:37:46 PM): you

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:37:57 PM): i'm single, no wee ones

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:38:45 PM): ok

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:38:52 PM): How old are you

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:38:59 PM): 32

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:39:33 PM): 29 in two days here

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:39:42 PM): happy birthday!

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:40:06 PM): watch you don't catch things on fire

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:40:32 PM): lol lol thats funny

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:40:57 PM): ah well i can be funny when it doesn't involve drowning jokes

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:42:13 PM):

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:42:19 PM): yeah i understand

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:42:22 PM): oh bobby darin is playing!

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:42:29 PM): i just adore him

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:42:55 PM):

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:43:17 PM): pardon me for being so tired

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:44:23 PM): in fact i should retire

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:44:55 PM): it was nice chatting with you

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:45:08 PM): its ok I will let you sleep

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:45:13 PM): thankyou for the chat

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:45:23 PM): thank you.

Wendy Liddell (1/15/2008 10:45:32 PM): good evening

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:46:07 PM): thankyou

avalacheorange (1/15/2008 10:46:10 PM): good evening

My Kitchen Faucet Fell Off

Yup.

That's what happened.

No use in building the drama because I don't know how or why it happened but it did. Adding to the awesomeness of the situation is the fact that I forgot that, while making Chai (you have to mix equal parts milk and water for the amount of cups you are making and boil the mixure) I let the milk mixture boil over twice, once in each of the two front burners. At the time, I was thinking, "HOT! HOT!" as well as "No touchey the burner while HOT!" So while I was sensibly letting the burner cool down, I completely forgot about the pools of what would become rancid milk under my two most used burners.

There is officially a "situation" in my kitchen. I have had to call the landlords who are busy building an indie art film house downtown so they are very hard to reach. Nonetheless, my kitchen faucet has completely removed itself from the sink and I'm sorry but bathroom water tastes entirely different than kitchen water. It tastes like well, bathroom water. I think it is cordoned off water for tooth brushing and meant to be spit out or sipped by felines. It's like the Old Navy of the water world. It's water seconds. They couldn't get people to put it through the kitchen sink so it goes through the bathroom sink and fills up your toilet. You can't get it as cold, unless you live in my building and flush the toilet while in the shower. Although sometimes it makes it scalding hot. In this case, keep a plastic case of tea bags in your shower and enjoy a cup of tea when some jerk, i.e. I don't know, um, well okay fine, I don't have this problem because the only person who ever crashes at my apartment wouldn't think of doing such a horrible thing.

Now it's time to live in the Ye Olde Days and go Shoppe-ing. I have to, for now, heat my dishwater with *shudder* bathroom water in the tea kettle which is scalding hot so you have to wait a bit until you can put your hands in the water without gaining third degree burns. By this time your soap has completely fizzled out. It's a Ye Olde Nightmare.

Thank goodness I just bought some paper plates. I expect paper cups and plastic cutlery are up next when I go out today. I can make my tea with *shudder* bathroom water but luckily I think the tea pot boils out all of Ye Olde Subpar Water Crap and it can be drinkable.

Now, if only my tub would drain faster than 2cm per hour.