I have a theory that the Universe uses my dating life as an experiment and/or self-entertainment. To confirm that, I just heard a fender bender occur down the street as I typed that sentence. As though it were nodding in agreement or saying, "Since you don't have any dates set up, check out what I did to these guys!! I'm awesome!! Sunday rules!!" I pretty much think of whoever runs the Universe as this omnipotent dude who somehow acquired a Universe in a Box one night off late night television while really stoned and then couldn't return it so he decided just to fuck with us as much as possible. It's like the SIM'S but we're real and he enjoys the hell out of us, much to our disappointment and detriment. I think sometimes his friends get their hands on it and play with it and that's when good things happen. Like maybe he has this one friend who is overly idealistic and likes it when people fall in love or get a raise, etc. This annoys Universe Dude but he's too lazy to correct it so it happens.
Well, If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
I have decided to join a site that a man named Markus, whom I know nothing about, other than he runs a free dating site called plentyoffish.com (which can also be read Plenty Offish and is more accurate for dating sites in my opinion) out of his basement.
I signed up for an account last night. I uploaded what I thought was a nice picture of myself, filled out all the pertinent info such as:
I am a woman: check!
I want to date a man: check!
Hmmm age range? 29 to 39: check!
No I do not want kids: check!
No I do not have kids: check! check!
Body type: average (boring, but that's what I is!): check!
Mammal: check!
Here for? (Here's where it gets tricky...you have to decide EXACTLY what you want out of life at the moment and choose it. Luckily I already know) Long term relationship: Check!
And there were other things such as filling out a MANDATORY (thank you Markus!) essay about yourself. Seriously, thanks be to the almighty Markus and his basement for making this mandatory because nothing makes me more suspicious than someone who won't talk about themselves. It's funny, though, because you can spot those guys right off anyway. They tend to make lists or act defensive like you just yelled "What the fuck do YOU want?" at them and then tossed your hair and batted your eyes at them. I happened to make the favorite list of one of such gentleman in just one night. He also has a kid so apparently he's what I will here on out refer to as a Picture Flipper. As in "Yup. Like That 'Un." Basically they don't read your profile (The NO KIDS ALLOWED sign is displayed right up top so he would just have to lower his eyeballs. That's how I know he is a Picture Flipper.)
Here's his charming self description (I would wager he is one of those guys who would either put nothing in his profile or just a sentence if Markus wasn't such a hardass and required him to fill out an essay):
"What I am not:
I am not someone concerned with getting in your pants on a first date.
I am not someone who cares if you have children. I have one of my own.
I am not someone who cares if you are a beauty queen, a model or a tri-athlete in training.
I am not a doormat.
What I am:
A man who is tired of games, cheaters and liars.
A man who is intelligent, funny and a little strange. LOL. Not strange in a bad way but I dont like to talk about all the normal boring things. I like to make it as interesting as possible.
A man who listens and cares about what you have to say.
A man who is looking for a relationship that lasts, starting with friendship first. I want something that is going to last.
I am a little overwieght and I will admit it. I am working on losing it a little at a time. For anyone who over looks me because I am well you should ask me for a picture of what I am working on getting back to before you do that. For those who do overlook me well I hope you regret it when the pictures get updates.
I like talking to someone and looking them in the eye when I do. I like conversation that can last hours, I actually prefer it to tv or other forms of mindless entertainment.
I like taking my son on scenic drives and when he gets a little older I am going to take him hiking and camping.
There is so much more to me then can be put into this tiny little box. All you have to do is take a chance and find out for yourself."
Okay then.
Oh, also there is a box marked "Mail Settings: To Message So and So You Must Meet the Following Criteria"
This is what was listed from the questionairre results he filled out when he opened his Plenty Offish (or if you like, Plenty of Fish, but I just don't think that's realistic):
"Must Not Do Drugs"
Wow. That's it? That's what the machine spilled out for him? He doesn't care if she's dating three other men, is a tranny with his/her own drag show every Tuesday night at the Grizzly Rose called Roll in the Hey Hey! and making money on the side as a high class female escort where if you pay extra she'll indulge a client's foot fetish just as long as she's not snorting, smoking or hanging needles out of her arm while doing it?
Fair enough. To each his own.
(I would retake that little personality test though)
On my end of things I emailed two guys last night One seemed less than my type but he was wearing these really cool noise cancelers on his ears in his picture like they wear at the airport. I thought it was a cool picture. And I mentioned it. It's really, really, really hard to email people on these sites. It's like sending letters to people you've just seen on the street and you liked their shirt so you thought you'd detail this on stationary and send it to them.
Apparently, my clever wit about his sound cancelers went over like a lead balloon.
I tried to IM him on there later (because that's what you do on these things!) and it went like this (He will be known as Mr. X)
"Waiting to connect to Mr. X"
"Mr. X's chat window is open"
"Mr. X's chat window is closed"
I could almost hear the girl scream escape his mouth when he saw who it was. Alternately I could almost see the the little bit of throw up come up into his mouth when he saw who it was.
On the other hand, I could feel his pain, though I think Mr. X got the better end of the stick as I simply said hello.
At the very moment I was IM'ing someone else, the exact moment, someone else IM'd me. This is not who I clicked on, I said. Oh well, whatever. So I begin talking to Mr. Disgusto. (We're calling him this not by looks but by mere manners and not knowing how to treat a lady--this is an important thing with me.)
Basically there are pleasantries exchanged about weather and other trite things and I'm thinking I'm really tired and would like to go to bed when he says, "Do You like "rerin it up?" I have no idea what he's saying to me and I think he's committed some major spelling error or just can't converse or he is a record being played at a very low RPM. None of these things make me want to speak to him further but my curiosity gets the better of me. I say, "Rerin it up?" He then proceeds to ask if I like a particular sexual act and I say, "Pardon?" followed by "You don't just ask someone that out of the blue" and then I very pointedly click my IM window closed.
I also emailed someone I thought I might get along really well with. He's from Boulder and works in Chinese Medicine. Neato! Also he reads and his mandatory essay probably would have happened anyway. He sounded really smart and laid back and had nice hair. By that I mean I thought he looked nice. The whole site is like Markus took a little bit from Facebook, a little bit from Myspace and a little bit from Match.com. You can send gifts with your emails. I just sent Chinese Medicine guy one of my two alotted roses you get per month to entice him. I feel sending him a gift from the selection of convenience store inspired gifts is a bit much. Who knows if I'll hear back from him. If we hit it off, maybe I will send him an appetite ruining bear with hearts around it. Maybe. I don't want to make yet another person throw up in their mouth.
Until next time!
No comments:
Post a Comment