And so it finishes...
That same night that Death and Fantine run off together, (they seem quite the fitting pair, Fantine with her missing teeth and Death with his missing face,) Valjean escapes, but he is quickly recaptured and sent to Toulon, a military port full of dirty, dirty sailors and tattoo parlors. Yet, he escapes temptation (the only thing he seems to be able to escape) to get drunk and plaster a loaf of bread in ink on his arm. When approached on the street by one of these such "ink artists," he, in true character, politely refuses but helps out in the shop for a day sanitizing equipment and giving large sailors swigs of whiskey and large dowels of wood to bite down on.
One day, as he was enjoying a cup of strong, sludgy coffee, he saves a sailor about to fall from the rigging. He throws his mug to the ground where it shatters into a milion pieces like his life has so many times before this, plunges into the sea and manages to escape by establishing the belief that he has drowned. It was widely known in the community that he did not own a pair of goggles or nose clips.
He uses his precarious freedom to go to Montfermeil, the location of the Thénardiers' inn. While looking them in the eye, he explains to them that their inn is located atop an Indian Burial Ground and that only he can control the Native American spirits that haunt their inn. He goes on to say to their shocked faces, that if they bother Cosette any longer he will unleash upon them the Native American spirits and their love of organic farming, homeopathic medicines and worst of all...symbolic storytelling! Not wanting any of this brought down upon their lives or their inn, the Thénardiers' assure Valjean he and Cosette will have no trouble from them. The last thing they want is a bedtime story about a warrior and a buffalo with a nice cup of mint tea. They'll stick to their sloppy ales with questionable items floating around in the mugs. It's gotten them this far after all. After burying his money in the woods and making sure to pee on it so some deer with a gambling problem doesn't touch it, he frees Cosette from the Thénardiers' abominable guardianship and takes her into the protective anonymity of Paris.
In Paris, he lives like a recluse in a dilapidated tenement, the Gorbeau House, in an outlying district. He takes up urinating in public, but discreetly, for he is still a gentleman. In spite of his precautions, however, Javert manages to track him down. Mid-void, Valjean is forced to flee. After a hectic chase and imminent capture, (Javert stopped to ask around in the sailor port and did get a tattoo: a white whale) he finds a miraculous refuge in a convent. This time he chooses not to steal from his holy saviours. Instead, he offers up a list of things he has learned in his travels, one of them landscaping. With the cooperation of the gardener, Fauchelevent, a man whose life he has saved in the past, Valjean persuades the prioress to take him on as assistant gardener and to enroll Cosette as a pupil. Valjean and Cosette spend several happy years in the isolation of the convent. Or so Valjean thinks. Cosette is a growing girl and a growing girl is only happy for so long in a convent before she starts thnking of the pictures of Jesus with different peoples' heads. As horrible as she feels about it, she cannot control her natural hormones raging inside her.
We now get to meet Marius. Marius is a seventeen-year-old who lives with his grandfather, M. Gillenormand, a relic of the Old Regime. Boy is he old. (How old is he?!!) Well, he's so old I referred to him as a relic. Stick with me now. In a nearby town, Georges Pontmercy, Marius' father, a hero of the Napoleonic wars, (who also has had his portrait done with one of his hands tucked in his pocket) lives in retirement, enjoying pudding cups. M. Gillenormand, by threatening to disinherit Marius, has forced Georges Pontmercy to relinquish custody of his son. He has completed the estrangement by communicating his aversion for Pontmercy to Marius through a whispered and disdainful conversation wherein he flipped a stack of bills under Marius's nose. Consequently, the young man reacts almost impassively to his father's death. A fortuitous conversation reveals to Marius the depths of his father's love for him, and indignant at his grandfather's deception, he leaves home and stacks and stacks and stacks of cash.
He takes refuge in the Latin Quarter and falls in with a group of radical students who teach him to tango, the Friends of the A.B.C. Marius, who under his father's posthumous influence has just switched his allegiance from the monarchy to Napoleon, (they are heavily in favor of the arts but only if it involves finding revered artists to paint your portrait with one hand tucked into your pocket) and falls into a state of intellectual bewilderment. Material difficulties increase his unhappiness. Finally he manages to create a tolerable existence by finding a modest job at a chips shop, living frugally by putting his personal "Hand In Pocket Portrait" on the back burner for now and withdrawing into his inner dreams.
His peace is shattered like Valjeans espresso cup on the docks when he falls passionately in love with a beautiful young girl in the Luxembourg Gardens. She is Jean Valjean's ward, Cosette. Too timid for bold actions, he courts her silently. This annoys the hell out of her because Marius is hot hot hot and she has been living in a convent for...years!!! A fatal indiscretion ruins his nascent love affair. (I don't know if he cheated on her or just was late for some sort of coffee date or something. Fatal implies that he killed her but obviously she was able to move so I don't know what the hell happened.) He quizzes the doorman where Cosette lives and a week later she moves without leaving an address. Oops.
For a long time Marius is unable to find a clue to his sweetheart's whereabouts and is overcome by despair. He's even unable to muster enough rebellion to attend the A.B.C. meetings with his hand in one pocket.
Coincidence puts him back on the track. One day curiosity impels him to observe his neighbors through a hole in the wall. Though I don't think this is coincidence so much more than it is creepy stalker behavior. He glimpses a family—father, mother, and two daughters—living in unspeakable squalor. Soon after he witnesses the entrance of a philanthropist, M. Leblanc, and his daughter. To his immense surprise, the daughter is Cosette. His eyes bug out and almost go through the hole in the wall, kind of like in the cartoons but this would be impossible because moving cartoons have not been invented, yet. His jubilation is replaced by consternation when he discovers that his neighbors are planning to draw M. Leblanc into a trap the same evening. Marius contacts the police and on the instructions of Inspector Javert returns to his room. Yes, that's right, Marius has put Javert on the track of Valjean. Everyone stand and clap. Very slowly at first but then break out into applause. That would be great.
When Leblanc comes back, Marius' neighbor identifies himself as Thénardier, ties up his victim, and demands an exorbitant ransom. The plot fails with the timely arrival of the inspector. In the confusion of the arrest, Leblanc escapes and calls down upon the Thénardiers' the Native American spirits who will now open a dingy version of Whole Foods within the inn and sing them to sleep each night with a different symbolic lullaby. They are doomed to be haunted by a sweet and calm people each day and night of their lives.
Once again, the young girl has vanished. But Thénardier's daughter, who is selflessly (and the spirits sense this, so they guide her to help pay back her parents' wrongs) in love with Marius, manages to find Cosette for him.
After worshiping Cosette from afar, Marius summons the courage to declare his love. Cosette reciprocates because...SHE'S BEEN LIVING IN A CONVENT FOR YEARS. For a whole month the couple lives a chaste and secret idyll, secret because Cosette intuitively guesses Valjean's hostility to the man who is usurping his place. Creepy. Also, Meow!!!
Marius' happiness is unwittingly shattered by Valjean, like Valjean's espresso cup on the docks, who, disturbed by a secret warning and the growing popular unrest in Paris, has decided to take Cosette to England. As a first step he moves to a hideaway prepared for this kind of emergency. That, um, Cosette would finally get some. And the entire population of Paris would be concerned about it. Actually, I don't know. Let's learn together.
Absorbed by his love like a sea sponge, Marius has been unaware of the deteriorating political situation. Ohhhhhh. Wait. Is Marie Antoinette involved? Have you seen that movie? How was she not 300 lbs? This is not about her, though. This is about MARIUS. Now! His private crisis is echoed by the crisis of an imminent insurrection. Echoed! His friend Enjolras directs the erection of a barricade in front of the Corinth wine shop. Erection? Is this also an echo in his life? The first enemy he has to deal with is found within the rebels' ranks. It is Javert, who is unmasked as a spy and tied up to await execution. Man! Finally!
Marius, driven by despair, decides to seek death in the insurrection. Nooooo!!! He joins the fighters at the barricade and fights valiantly to the end. Valjean also joins the insurgents, but for special reasons. He has discovered Marius' relationship with Cosette and his role in the revolution. For Cosette's sake, he decides to protect the life of the man he abhors. He just cannot escape his compulsive role in life as a gentleman. Also, he fights with one hand and drinks espresso with the other.
Marius, driven by despair, decides to seek death in the insurrection. He joins the fighters at the barricade and fights valiantly to the end. Valjean also joins the insurgents, but for special reasons. He has discovered Marius' relationship with Cosette and his role in the revolution. For Cosette's sake, he decides to protect the life of the man he abhors.
Before the final assault, Valjean volunteers to execute Javert. He's pretty pissed after all these years. Instead, he spares the inspector's life and sends him away. Oh man. That's like the worst mistake ever. Then Valjean returns to the barricade as the few surviving defenders are driven inside the wine shop. He seizes the seriously wounded Marius, drags him into a manhole, dodges some alligators who spit urine at them and undertakes a heroic and harrowing passage through the sewers of Paris. Unfortunately, Javert arrests him at the exit. Yeah, we didn't see this happening. HELLO. He has a tatto of a WHITE WHALE. However, he allows Valjean to take Marius to his grandfather and later, in a quandary, releases Valjean. But he cannot forgive himself for this breach of duty and commits suicide. Meh. He's out of the way.
Marius' life has a happier ending. He recuperates from his wounds and overcomes his grandfather's hostility to his marriage. Wait, what? Did I fall asleep? The marriage, however, is a mortal blow to Valjean. He has confessed his past to Marius, and the latter, in spite of his magnanimity, slowly estranges Cosette from Valjean. You know, because he's creepy and is growing dangerously close to being "that old guy." You know, the one who hits on young chicks in bars. Marius does not know that Valjean is the man who saved his life in the sewers. Without Cosette, Valjean's life loses its meaning and he slowly withers away like a candle in the wind. Thénardier, however, unwittingly reveals to Marius that Valjean is his savior because he's really tired of eating persimmons (in fact he shouts, "What the hell are persimmons?!!!") and Marius and Cosette arrive in time to console Jean Valjean on his deathbed.
L'extrémité!
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