Man. I have a lot to tell you today. So, this guy, Jean Valjean, horked some bread. I'm assuming his stomach was rumbling and you know, maybe he hadn't eaten in awhile otherwise he would have just waited until dinnertime and ordered a pizza. Get this, he was arrested (wait, it gets worse!) and sentenced to nineteen years hard labor! For some crappy bread. I bet the person he stole it from definitely missed that loaf of bread nineteen years later. I bet the person who owned the patisserie (that's "bakery" in French) was still counting his loaves of bread and when he got to the space where the loaf Jean ValJean stole would have been, he would go, "Curses! That damn loaf! It haunts me that it isn't there. It fucking screws me up everytime! How do I not see it coming after all these years? I'm glad we have such harsh laws in France! Maird!" (That's "shit" in French.) "Also! My bread has not sold in nineteen years! Maird!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch (That's "prison" in French), Valjean makes repeated attempts to escape, possibly with a spoon at one point, because they haven't attempted sand blasters yet in the 19th century and those are even hard to smuggle into prison in modern times (believe you me, I've tried!). Also, no one ever comes to visit him but if they did, how ironic would it be if they bought a cake from the guy he stole the bread from and put a file in it? I think this would be a huge "fuck you, patisserie and French law in general!" and really hilarious as well. Good news, though! Valjean does finally escape! They have to have these weirdo convict's passports, a lot like being a registered sex offender, so pretty much he's doomed to the newsboy hat, disheveled coat, no money, five o'clock shadow and that "Garrr! I'm going to strangle you and take your bread" look. Plus he's kind of pissed off about the whole hard labor vs. loaf of bread imbalance thing.
Valjean kind of knocks on some doors and is like, "Look, dudes, I'm kind of in a pickle here. You got some soup or something and maybe some hay I could sleep on?" Of course les masses (that's "general public" in French) are basic jerks even back then. So they keep their precious gruel to themselves. Or maybe they have heard that joke about the guy showing up and the farmer says, "You can have anything you want but just don't touch my daughter..." Either way, he gets hosed repeatedly. Until! Yes, until he knocks on the door of the saintly bishop, Monseigneur Myriel, who is super nice to Valjean even after he steals from him after he feeds him and give him a nice pillow to lay his head on. He totally saves him from the law and boulanger de secousse (that's "jerk baker" in French) knows how many more years of hard labor. John Valjean has a "pay it forward" moment but decides to do it for the rest of his life.
To do this, though, he must get get rid of his stupid passport (who stamps these anyway?) and change his name. He promptly, under the name of M. Madeleine starts a factory and brings prosperity to the town of Montreuil. Yes, the very next day. He even becomes Mayor by early evening! No one cares that he can't read! He brings prosperity! Wheee! Not bad for a bread thief. You've come a long way, baby! Meanwhile, back at the ranch (oddly enough, this is also another French word for "bakery!"), Old Man Vomi (that's French for "vomit"), the guy who he stole the bread from is still getting even more pissed at his counting system every time he comes across the blank spot where Valjean's loaf of bread would have been. Ha!
Next, I would like to tell you about the pathetic young girl Fantine. I mean, she's pretty pathetic. I don't mean this in an insulting way, but derivative of the word pathos, you know? I look around at my life and I look at Fantine and I kind of think, "Wendy, you, missy, are whiner face." Check this out. So, Fantine is a single Mom. Not so shocking, you say? Have you tried being one in 19th century France? You're pretty much a pariah! Do it. I dare you. Do it, now! You won't because you're a pussy. Also you rely on the excuse that time travel doesn't exist. Well lucky you because I'm sure Fantine would have liked a time machine. Let me tell you why. On the way back to her hometown of Montreuil (Where? What's that you say?), to find a job, she entrusts her daughter to an innkeeper and his wife, the Thénardiers. Note: Thénardiers is French for goldigging jerkfaces. However, if you're reading this and you're a single Mom you know how hard it is to find daycare, right? So sometimes you have to drop them off on the road at a questionable inn run by weirdo innkeepers while you go work at a factory in your hometown. It'll be fine!!!
In Montreuil, (not to be confused with Montreal. That's in Canada) Fantine finds a job in Madeleine's factory and attains a modicum of prosperity. (See! It'll be fine!!!) However, she is fired. (I was wrong!!! Nothing is ever fine for long around here!!!) She probably stole a loaf of fucking bread and didn't put it under her shirt and pretend she was pregnant walking out. Now that's pathetic and I mean pathetic. C'mon! Every chick has that advantage. Back then they wore a billion layers of skirts, dude. You could hide small children in there...wait. Fantine! What were you thinking? You could have kept your daughter in there! But then I wouldn't have a blog and Victor Hugo wouldn't be revered all over France. So...thanks? *Cough* But wait! That's not all! The Thénardiers are always trying to scam her out of money: "Cosette (her daughter) needs some beans! Cosette needs a new fancy man's suit! Cosette needs to pay her bar tab! Cosette needs a pug dog wearing a red scarf! Cosette needs to pay a whore!" And on and on and on. Soooo...Fantine turns to prostitution. She loses some teeth. Obviously she's looking good. She's also not in the best mental condition, so she runs into Valjean on the street and totally attacks him! I mean, M. Madeleine. (WHAT is with the woman name?) Fantine then gets arrested by Inspector Javert, who is not a name I made up from some family of cheese. I wish I had. Only Madeleine's forceful intervention keeps her out of the ol' Bread Hole (that's the slammer to you and me.) She catches a fever, however, and her health deteriorates dangerously. Death is imminent (he's sitting around, flipping through Vogue and smoking thin cigarettes in the corner of the room) and M. Madeleine promises to bring her daughter, Cosette, to her.
Madeleine, however, is faced with serious problems. (Excuse me, don't go ruining such a happy story, man!! Naysayer!) A man has been arrested as Jean Valjean and is about to be condemned for his crimes. (Excuse me, is that guy still so pissed about his bread? Man, France holds some serious grudges about bread!) After a night of agonizing moral conflict, Madeleine decides to confess his past. At Arras, the seat of the trial, he dramatically (what other way would you do it?) exonerates the accused. A few days later, he is arrested by Javert, who by the way has been chasing Valjean compulsively, so much so that Valjean has become his white whale and who knows if he's even really an Inspector anymore, at Fantine's bedside. The shocking scene kills the young woman. Maird!! Tragedy strikes again!!! What a bunch of douches to do this by someone's death bed. Even Death, who was smelling perfume samples and smoking, said, "Take it somewhere else or I'll take you somewhere else!" They didn't listen and he got all pissed off and took Fantine and got the fuck out of there.
To Be Continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment