Optical Illusion

drawing by Natalie Dee

I was at the mall yesterday with my friend Ryan because he was driving me around on some errands and the deal was that he would be able to stop at said mall (and I use the word "mall" very loosely here) and order some more contacts. He also asked if I would buy him some ice cream. "Heck, yes," I said, "You can even get the waffle cone." He didn't though. He got that little plastic bowl. Although, he did take my suggestion, after a long, drawn-out sampling and quiet tongue smacking, that he get the sweet cream ice cream, despite his initial protest of "No, that's too intense" even though said ice cream is less intense than vanilla ice cream and proceeded to put Reese's peanut butter cups, Oreos and walnuts in it. As I purchased his ice cream and my bottle of water (I was going to get parmesan Pretzel Bites with a side of pizza sauce at Pretzelmaker) I raised my eyebrow and said, "Too intense? You just put all that tooth rot shit in it." He replied, "That's a whole other genre" and started walking out the door to the mall entrance.

After a couple of stops, (I needed to get a drum of the only lotion at Bath and Body Works I've ever gotten worked up over because once it's gone, it's gone! It took awhile because I didn't know whether I needed body cream, body lotion, body butter, body lotion spray or what. I was confused as to what the difference was and mulling over whether or not there really was a difference at all or did they just price according to packaging when a saleswoman startled me, asking if I needed any help. I rattled off to her exactly what I just rattled off to you and then she asked what kind of skin I had. Well, I said, that depends on what skin you're talking about. The skin on my face is a bit on the oily side. You know, the T-zone bit? But it's winter so some of the skin on my body tends to get dry. I especially have to take good care of my feet. She's looking at me like I'm a nutbar but she shouldn't be in this business if she doesn't think that your entire body has different gradients of moisture. Thus, I think she just made some sort of jibber jabber up and told me to get the body lotion. This also made me happy because it came in a simple bottle and was the cheapest. Meanwhile, Ryan was dropping massage oil on the ground and knocking over displays. That was pretty awesome) we finally made it to Pearl Vision, where I chose to stand just outside where Ryan could see me for safetly's sake, Pretzel Bites in hand and staring at a sign they had just outside of their entrance. I was reading it and when I reached the bottom, I thought it said, "Most insurances accepted" because well, that's what my brain is used to reading. I read the sign a couple more times because I had some time on my hands and I was starting to get full on Pretzel Bites and then I noticed something. It didn't say accepted at the bottom. It said, "Most insurances excepted." Then it listed about three insurance companies that I assume they did accept, but this is just an assumption because it wasn't a very clear sign which is ironic considering, well, that it's a vision establishment. I just kept thinking, Why would they advertise the fact that they are total douchebags that don't accept insurance? The three insurance companies they had were ones I'd never heard of for the most part and I've gone through the insurance gauntlet so much I could win the Insurance Daily Double and then some. The places they listed I suspected were run out of janitorial closets in a middle school where someone piggy-backed a nice Wifi connection or from their Grandmother's basement on a TV tray with a pencil cup and a "Hello, My Name Is" tag as a name badge.

It's funny how your brain is so used to reading something that it just automatically plugs words or images in. It took me at least three pretzel bites dipped into pizza sauce and and a couple of read overs to realize what I was really looking at. The mall is a really weird place. It kind of makes me feel dirty and giddy at the same time.

As we were walking out, one of the salesmen at the T-Mobile kiosks shouted, "Can I ask what kind of phone you have?" I yelled back, "T-Mobile!" thinking he would just say, "Have a nice night, ma'am." In a bizarre twist, he said, "Can I see, 'em?" To which I replied, "Um, no" and kept walking. After a moment of silence, I turned to Ryan and said, "Were we just talking about phones that whole time?"
Ryan said, "Yes," in his voice that meant, "No."

So I bought Ryan an Americano when we went to Target to wash down all that ice cream and because he's always such a good shopping pal. He even bought two new hats that were not beanies. Hope springs eternal on many levels.

(Oh yeah. I didn't freak out while shopping in major traffic areas for three hours!)