NEWSFLASH: (along the lines of things that anger me like time zones)
WASHINGTON (May 11) - It will cost a bit more to mail letters and parcels starting Monday. A first-class letter will go up 2 cents to 41 cents.
But there is also some good news - folks will be able to buy "forever" stamps that remain valid regardless of any future increase. Forever stamps? Is this like rent controlled apartments? So I could use my grandmother's stamps and they would be okay with that? Maybe they are trying to just clear out the excess stamps from all the desks, which would be nice because I ALMOST bought a bunch of stamps to send out the artcards to people yesterday and I would have had a little bit of a jipfuck on my hands, especially with the ones going to Japan. What are forever stamps? Why would I buy the more expensive stamp if I could just have the cheaper stamp that would stay at the same value "forever." The general stamp buying public such as myself does not generally understand much about stamps so the forever stamp is juts going to stymie us further. If you put a picture of a bomb on it or Iraq with flames coming off it or maybe a tank, you could just trick a bunch of shitheads into buying it no questions asked. Or, OR! if you put like a pink ribbon on it or something for the soccer moms, that would probably work. But don't call it a forever stamp. No one really gets what forever means. Mostly we just hear an echoey sound effect with it in our heads and get confused or sad or if you're dating someone for three days you start doodling the word forever on a notebook with their name and your name on it.
While the new rates take effect Monday, most post offices are closed on Sunday so officials say items dropped in a box that won't be collected until Monday should have the higher postage on them. How do we GET the higher postage if we miss this tidbit of info and happen to drop a bunch of mail into the post box after the pickup time thinking it's still .39? What happens then? Where are my forever stamps? How much are those? Is there a flat rate? What's the deal here? Is is just a card you swipe that counts as one stamp FOREVER? Can I pass it down to well, like other people's children? Or my nieces and nephews? Here, Billy, you're at the age where I want you to have my forever stamp. I can't write anymore and there's no one here to take my mail to the post box so you take the forever stamp and write some nice girl and get a dog or a cat or a snail. You'll make a nice life with your forever stamp, won't you, Billy? Won't you? And could you go buy your Aunt Wendy some milk? My bones are so brittle.
On the other hand, when rates change the agency usually allows a little leeway, and it doesn't plan a rash of returns for insufficient postage. Gee, that's big of them. Since they still haven't told us what the fuck a forever stamp is and they're springing this two cent hike on us. I know they're excited but it's not like I get a raise at my job everytime the stamps go up or garbanzo beans are raised six cents a can. You know? Maybe they could make a forever bean, too. That would help the world out a lot more.
Postmaster General John Potter has said that even with the higher prices the agency expects a deficit this year as it struggles to compete in a swiftly changing communications market. Yeah. Because it's free to email and text. We all love getting mail but let's see if I mail one letter to each of my Myspace friends (I'm using you all hypothetically because I'm too lazy to count the people I see everyday and really I see some of you everyday but then I would have to decide if I would send this person a letter or are they just a well-wisher...so I'll just do Myspace friends since it's just a calculating thing) at .41 times 86...that equals out to $35.26. That's just one letter each, assuming I don't need extra postage and that you live in the United States, which you all don't. So, tacking on and extra coupla dollars for the UK and Japan, well that's like $40. So if I sent you each one letter a month, that would be more than my light bill. Not that I would mind and frankly I could cut out a couple of bands, Bill Murray (not that I want to cut him out, he just won't give me his address), one celebrity and a couple people I just plain wouldn't write to anyway. We could get it down to half I think. I would still write to you. Which is cool, so if you want, I've found that it's fun to write in those Blue Book Examination Books and then mail them to people. Last night I wrote a little story in one at my local coffee shop while talking to my friend Ambrette. Who wants it? I'm going to keep buying them. They're like a quarter.
For most people, the first-class rate has the greatest impact, covering cards and letters. USPS, you are ruining my life. What I really want is just an acknowledgement that you are spending all of these pennies on Fudgesicles or possibly Chipotle. It's fine. I just want you to admit it. I resisted Chipotle as well. For awhile. Then I was forced to go one day and I found out they had barbacoa and I could get it in a rice bowl. I never resisted Fudgesicles. All I want is for you to say it. Just own up to your actions. Put the men in government.
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