Gioja and The Beautiful Music

I love talking to my friend Gioja.

Not only is she funny and interesting but we somehow seem to be on the same plane on a lot of things. I don't feel like such a square peg around her because she feels like a kindred spirit in so many ways.

We were talking about relationships recently. Gioja is recently married to a very wonderful man and I have just started seeing a very wonderful man. If you've read even a small amount of my writing, you, of course, know that this is something that I consider a gift.

As Gioja and I were talking, I was saying how time seems to be going by at a leisurely pace with my new beau. Nothing seems hurried and I don't question or overanalyze anything with him. It is what it is and I constantly find myself thinking, "Wow, that's so awesome he said that because that's exactly how I feel." Or vice versa. We were discussing something recently and he said, "Yeah, I was thinking about that, too." This makes me very happy that we are so aligned and on the same page, that I don't have to keep checking in and logging notes and pulling teeth and blah blah blah. It just works. The pieces fit. And so we are. However, on paper, one might scratch their head and say, "Well, gee, they're moving kind of fast." Sucks to them.

When I mentioned to Gioja how it seemed to be such a leisurely pace and yet in real time it really hadn't been that long, she said, "Yeah, I went over to Jared's house for the first time and from there I just kind of moved in." I can see her point. I grew up thinking there was this formula that everyone had to follow: boy asks girl on date, boy and girl date for at least 5 to 6 dates then go on weekend vacation, boy and girl are official couple, boy and girl start attending functions together as couple, boy and girl date more, (at this point a year has passed), boy and girl go on kind of large vacation together/move in together, boy and girl get animal such as dog or cat together, boy asks girl to marry him, girl flashes ring for year and annoys the hell out of friends but friends grin and bear it, relationship goes all to hell because girl thought ring was prize and didn't know marriage was the beginning not the end. This formula may work or seem to work a large part of the population. However, I think Gioja is onto something. She also prefaced her comment with, "Jared and I just skipped the whole dating thing." Not that they don't make time for date nights. They totally do and I think that's fantastic. They still "date" each other even though they are married. They court each other and basically think one another is the best thing since sliced bread. Possibly before that.

I think there is a part of the population that just doesn't fit into that stupid formula and we function just fine without it. Its deep-rooted presence in society, however, makes your life hell for years because why don't you fit into the formula? and where is your 90210 romance? and why don't the boys say yes when you ask them out, don't they like that? and why can't I find the right haircut or say the right thing? are all questions and ideals you grow up with and when it just doesn't work, you want to pull your hair out. When you finally meet the person you just fall in so easily with that you don't overanalyze things, spending time with them is not like a freakshow job interview and they don't belong in the annals of bad date blogdom. Instead, it's like Gioja put it. I just feel like I blinked and then there he was and now a bit of time has passed and I've adored every second of it.

Gioja and her husband make up 2/3 of the band The Green Typewriters (check out their Myspace page and definitely go to a show.) The other night I was at their house and they were just kind of jamming out and encouraged me to play with them even though I don't know how to play a musical instrument, yet. Their theory is that if you pick it up and play it, you might find a cool noise. I chose the xylophone. Whatever I sounded like, it didn't matter. I rocked that xylophone and I wasn't afraid of how I sounded. That's how I'm going into this relationship. I'm not taking any of my past rejections and projecting them onto this one. I'm going to rock it like I did that xylophone and see all the cool things that come out of it.

I'm making beautiful music and it's just going to keep on going.

You Can Always Believe a T-Shirt

Gee. I didn't think he would put it on a t-shirt. I'm really flattered! Rather than copy him and be stupid and get a "Jimmy Fallon was here" with an arrow pointing down t-shirt, I think I'll just put this on a t-shirt. That's right. Bragging rights.

Thanks, Jimmy Fallon. I heart you, too!

But seriously, folks...

I'm always fascinated when I see things like this. I am entranced by this picture. I know he bought it. Or some wardrobe person gave it to him to wear. Is it like buying a license plate for your bike? Were there Jessicas, Shirleys, Allisons, Annes, Kellys, Peggys, Janets, Susans, Melissas, etc. to pick from and someone, maybe even Jimmy himself said, no, no, nuh-uh, nope, meh, eh, no, not even!, nooo, etc. until he saw the only Wendy left on the rack? (There's rarely A Wendy on the rack, let alone any Wendy on the rack, just to let you know. I can't remember having a keychain with a tiny license plate with my name on it or a license plate for my bike as a kid or any sort of memorabilia except a Mickey Mouse ears hat but they sew your name on right there and well, my high school nickname was Weiner so I had them sew that on there. Trust me, you'll never find a Weiner. Well, maybe in Jimmy Fallon's pants. But that's another story.)

I don't know. Maybe guys are different or I'm different but I wouldn't wear a shirt like that because then I'd be constantly thinking, "People think someone named Wendy was here." I get that it's a joke but you know, who the hell and why the hell...Wendy? I'm especially fascinated because it's my name and I love things with my name on it, especially if it implies I was somehow sexually involved with Jimmy Fallon. There's not too many of us Wendys out there. Not as many as say the names I read off above. Or like other names. The Kaylees are taking over pretty soon. They're growing up pretty fast. But their name is too long to look good on a shirt like that. Take that, Kaylees! You will never be implicated in a sexual daliance with Jimmy Fallon. Also, he would get arrested because you're pretty young.

(Okay, I'll settle down now and stop being intense. Am I being intense? Michael told me I get intense, which I agree with on some points but now I'm trying to tone it down a little which is making me more intense sometimes. It's kind of like when someone who is freaked out by your driving is in the car and you drive worse because they make you nervous, thus proving their point to them but otherwise you're a good driver because you can relax.)

All I have to say is: I'm awesome! Let's hear it for the Wendys! Especially this one!! (I don't know other ones!)

Boolicious

I had another bizarre phone call yesterday.

This one was not a pocket call, though. Here's how it went down.

My Mom and I were in the car (I can't wait until June when I can start typing "I was driving down the street" again) and I remembered I needed to call Jeff Crabtree of Crabtree Brewing here in Greeley (you should go try the Serenity--it's the bestest!) I had forgotten to write down their phone number off of their web site though and information refuses to acknowledge their existence even though my friends and I are clearly aware of it. But I digress (I later found out it was in information under Mr. Crabtree's name after a lightbulb went off in my head.)

I thought I remembered it but couldn't remember if it was a 353 or a 356 prefix. I figured I'd try both. I tried the 356 prefix first and got a voicemail with one of those messages telling you that you have reached the number you dialed (thanks, Mr. Phone!) and I was like, nope, not that one and disconnected. I tried the 353 prefix and a Chinese man answered. A very cranky Chinese man. He was demanding to know who I was and rapid firing questions at me so fast that I became very intimidated and just blurted out, "I dialed the wrong number! I'm sorry!" and disconnected again.

Then my phone rang. It came up as Unknown.

I knew who this was. It was the 356 prefix doing the "Who is this?" call back. We've all done it to sate our curiosity but usually when the person doesn't answer we move on with our life. We don't leave a message. We don't...well, you'll see.

Unknown left a message. A long one:
"Hi..Someone from this number called my phone and I don't know you but you called me and this is Amy but you might have been trying to reach my husband David...soooo...um, yeah." She sounded confused but fairly cheerful. Although not the type of person I would trust. Amy sounds like she hides under her cheer. As was indicative in yes, our further interaction.

Amy sounded particularly weirded out by my hang up call so I thought I would call back and let her know I had mis-dialed. I figured it would be the nice thing to do. There was a conversation. A confusing one:
"Hi! Is this Amy?"

"Yes."

"Oh, this is Wendy. I called your phone earlier. I actually was trying to call another number and I just wanted to let you know. Sorry."

Sidebar: She is going to use a nickname for her husband which I never understood so we will just call him Boolicious.

"You weren't trying to get hold of Boolicious?"

"What?"

"Boolicious."

"I don't know what that is."

"Some people know my husband by that. It's his nickname. Boolicious."

"I don't know that person. I just wanted to let you know I had misdialed your number. Um. Have a good day."

"Ok."

"Bye."

...and Click.

My phone at this point was nearly dead so I turned it off as we finished our errands and grabbed a bite, etc. A couple of hours later, when I returned home, I plugged it in and turned it back on, I had two voicemails. One was from my neurologist's office confirming my appointment. Noted. Thank you, Caleb from Advanced Neurology.

The second went a little like this:

"Hey, this is Dave. Just returning your phone call."

It was Boolicious.

Christ on a bike.

What Women's Lib And Culinary Mastery Are Really All About

Now, I know what you're going to say. Where can I get that adult reproduction of Rainbow Brite's outfit? I know. It's pretty awesome. However, you're missing the point here. Did you read the top part of the ad where it took Marjorie Taylor 25 years to get up the courage to smoke in front of her husband and it took him 25 seconds to pack her bags? Holy smokes! Before I go any further, I have to say something about that man's packing abilities. Where is he when I travel? I could just casually light up a cigarette and all my shit would be packed. Nice! But I digress.

According to this ad, the Women's Liberation movement was not about getting the right to vote, working for equal pay, putting sexual harrassment policies into place, etc. It was about the right to smoke when and where you damn well please, even if it was in front of your husband. Although, technically, your husband can still pack your bags in 25 seconds if that is the dealbreaker in a 25 year marriage. Talk about ironic! 25 years to work up the courage and that's the exact amount of time it takes for him to pack your bags! That's kicking you when you're down! I wonder what he would have down if you'd downed some Old Crow and packed up some chaw? Oh, save that for the next one. Maybe he'll be slower and you can put your Virginia Slim out on his face.




The start-up cash was financed by one of their son's appearances on America's Funniest Home Videos, which won $3000. I was probably watching. Prepare yourself. It's pretty...*cough*



These guys claim "everything" should taste like bacon. Bacon Salt is Kosher and vegans can eat it, too. So if they just can't get that hankerin' for bacon out of their mind, here's the easy solution! Sprinkle this on their tofu and they gots bacon! You can put it on steak, corn, toast, eggs, pizza, soup, waffles, burgers, shrimp, chicken, pumpkin pie, corn dogs, spaghetti, meatloaf, falafels, tamales, burritos, sub sandwiches, quiche, cookies, fondue, baked potatoes, fish, pudding; heck, put it on bacon!

Imagine something right now. ___________ You can put it on that!! I don't care if you imagined someone's hat! You could even use it in the bedroom! Sprinkle it on your lover's back and lick it up. He or she tastes like bacon!! Who hasn't been in the middle of foreplay and had their mind wander off to a nice strip of bacon? Now that doesn't have to happen. A few shakes of Bacon Salt and you get the best of both worlds.

And then afterwards, you can light up a Virginia Slim. Because you've come a long way, baby.

Prepare For Execution

hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:47:10 PM): hi how are you?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:48:00 PM): pretty good. i'm chewing gum.
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:48:>PM): nice
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:48:40 PM): i'm enjoying it. it hasn't lost its flavor yet.
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:48:50 PM): lol
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:48:51 PM): i've been chewing it for like two hours
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:49:00 PM): what flavor
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:49:07 PM): wintergreen
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:49:28 PM): my fav
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:49:37 PM): i'm a fan.
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:51:04 PM): so how was your day
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:52:36 PM): good.
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:53:00 PM): i had some french toast this morning and some eggs and bacon and orange juice
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:53:22 PM): then i wrote in my notebook
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:53:27 PM): i put the date
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:53:47 PM): and where i was
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:53:59 PM): and the name of the person i was eating with
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:54:06 PM): and what she was eating
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:54:21 PM): and then i drew a picture of her breakfast
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:54:45 PM): cool
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:54:51 PM): you?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:54:52 PM): you are strange
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:54:56 PM): not really
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:55:01 PM): lol
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:55:07 PM): normal people do stuff like that all the time
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:55:19 PM): oh yeah
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:55:20 PM): i'm more normal than most people
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:55:38 PM): so i drew a picture of my friend's breakfast
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:55:43 PM): what of it?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:56:12 PM): what did you do today?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:56:33 PM): just worked
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:56:37 PM): what do you do?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:57:09 PM): audits
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:57:18 PM): what about you?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:57:34 PM): i'm a visual artist and writer
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:57:47 PM): still seem strange that i would do that?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:57:58 PM): you do audits?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:58:10 PM): you make people cringe and freak out?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:58:14 PM): that's strange
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:58:32 PM): yes I do
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:58:43 PM): no it isn't
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:59:21 PM): it's not strange to strike fear and stress into people's lives but it's strange to make my friend laugh with a picture of her breakfast?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:59:35 PM): happiness vs. evil
Wendy York (5/7/2008 6:59:40 PM): happiness wins
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:59:42 PM): lol
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 6:59:52 PM): I am not evil
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:00:03 PM): i didn't say you as a person were
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:00:35 PM): i'm sure that you have a hobby of tulip farming and you give your neighbors brownies
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:00:53 PM): but your job makes people unhappy and scared
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:01:06 PM): so i'm just saying
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:01:13 PM): i'm not so strange
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:02:07 PM): I don't audit people just companies
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:02:20 PM): oh. well then.
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:02:36 PM): don't people own companies?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:03:11 PM): yeah but they r crooks lol
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:03:17 PM): not all of them
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:03:24 PM): but this is going nowhere
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:03:32 PM): let's talk about something else
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:03:44 PM): ok
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:04:16 PM): what's your favorite thing to get at the grocery store?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:04:44 PM): chicken
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:04:48 PM): personally, i like the Pom Tea because it comes in its own drinking glass
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:05:01 PM): how do you cook your chicken?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:05:16 PM): bake it
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:05:21 PM): or grill
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:05:37 PM): do you filet it?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:05:45 PM): nope
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:06:01 PM): really thick chicken breasts freak me out
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:06:21 PM): i'm always afraid they aren't done
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:06:51 PM): so i just keep stabbing at it and cooking it until it's really dry
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:07:05 PM): it's best if i filet it
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:07:16 PM): I have Wonder Knives
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:07:26 PM): the ones that cut through cans
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:07:29 PM): dry isn't good
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:07:34 PM): no it isn't
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:07:44 PM): it sucks
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:07:53 PM): literally
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:08:01 PM): there is no saliva left in my mouth
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:08:28 PM): nasty
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:08:39 PM): the truth is nasty sometimes
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:08:54 PM): tea is not nasty
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:08:59 PM): but the truth is
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:09:31 PM): I like green tea
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:09:35 PM): see?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:09:56 PM): green tea is good for a lot of things but especially your skin
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:10:06 PM): it has antioxidants in it
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:10:29 PM): nice
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:10:35 PM): yes
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:10:47 PM): i like it with some citrus
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:11:17 PM): I shoot it
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:11:28 PM): that sounds like a good idea
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:11:42 PM): i have an italian beretta pistol
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:12:12 PM): coo
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:12:20 PM): don't shoot me
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:12:29 PM): don't give me a reason
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:12:47 PM): ouch
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:12:56 PM): zing
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:13:48 PM): oh! the bee gees are playing!
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:14:09 PM): who
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:14:16 PM): the bee gees.
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:14:22 PM): seriously?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:14:34 PM): stayin' alive?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:14:51 PM): c'mon
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:15:22 PM): i told you not to give me a reason to shoot you
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:15:46 PM): sorry
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:15:58 PM): you have never even heard of that song?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:16:20 PM): nope
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:16:25 PM): fromt the movie "Saturday Night Fever?" with John Travolta
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:16:27 PM): is it porn
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:16:38 PM): Oh. My. God.
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:16:46 PM): Is this a Dateline sting?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:16:55 PM): how old ARE you?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:17:01 PM): 27
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:17:11 PM): have a seat
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:17:54 PM): no. this is on par with when my ex roommate had not heard of burt reynolds
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:18:10 PM): BURT REYNOLDS
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:18:12 PM): oh ok
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:18:28 PM): the bee gees
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:18:33 PM): stayin' alive
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:18:56 PM): "you can tell by the way i walk i'm a woman's man no time to talk"
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:19:17 PM): hmmmm
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:19:18 PM): the famous disco dance move
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:19:37 PM): where you point up in the air and then down at the floor?
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:19:48 PM): THAT'S from Saturday Night Fever
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:19:51 PM): lol
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:20:04 PM): ..never seen ir
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:20:24 PM): Well you don't have to have seen it to have heard the song and have heard the references
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:20:36 PM): it's a pop culture staple
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:20:51 PM): sorry not ring a bell
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:21:03 PM): wait wait wait
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:21:40 PM): Were you raised by black bears in the Black Forest in a cave and only let out at midnight?
hotballa11 (5/7/2008 7:22:48 PM): not at all
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:24:32 PM): I'm sorry I'm going to have to shoot you.
Wendy York (5/7/2008 7:24:42 PM): Prepare for execution

Activate The Powers of Three!

I'm on hold with the State of Colorado Drivers' Services. Again.

Last time I just had to verify some paperwork questions about which sections of the now nicely creased and properly dog-eared form my doctor needs to sign so I can drive again. This will most likely happen on May 20th.

The reason I am calling this time is to see if I can retroactively get an extension on the deadline for turning in this form as the deadline they originally gave me was four days after my implant surgery. I could be wrong but I don't think my neurologist was going to sign any paper four days after a surgery. My stitches had not been taken out of my throat or from under my arm. The implant had in fact, not even been activated.

Hold, please. I need to go get my clothes from the dryer.
Oh. Wait. They are answering the phone!

Sidebar: The last time I was on hold with them, I decided to take a bath. Just as I was dipping my toes into the bathtub, they picked up the phone.

Psychic Super Villains!

I can't remember the woman's name. We'll call her...Lulu. Lulu was very helpful. Much more helpful than the other people I have wasted away waiting to speak to before (seriously, this is a great diet to go on and a great motivator--"Okay, if I go to change the oil in my car, they will answer the phone." Voila! They do! Do it again! "Okay, if I clean out the drawers in my hutch and start to pack my apartment, they will answer the phone." Voila! They do!)

Basically, I found out that I won't have to wait until July to drive. Granted had I had this information, oh, say like in October then I would have just had to wait until my neurologist signed the papers and then done a couple other things and Voila! Easy as pie. Well a more involved pie. Like one with meringue.

What it all comes down to is I'm getting better and better. My therapist gave me some homework. She asked me to find a physical manifestation of recognizing how far I've come through the last 6 months of having Conversions seizures and on top of that taking back my life, taking mind over matter, working with several people and problem solving so I could be me again.

I didn't quite know how to do this.

Yesterday, I bought myself a sterling silver ring with three garnets in it, set in three thin bands within the ring.

When I have seizures (the Conversion Disorder can be dealt with and overcome but I will always be Epileptic even if I just have a seizure once a year, albeit much less serious than the CD seizures), and most Epileptics do this, I focus on something. My focus is that I just naturally look for things in multiples of three. I happen to like words. For instance, Toyota has six letters. Oil has three letters. London has six letters. Camera has six letters. And so on and so forth. If I can't find words, I look for patterns or anything around me I can count into multiples of three. One time, I was in an ambulance, wishing I had six fingers because I was trying to count something, anything when the paramedic asked me if I had OCD. I had to blurt out "No! I'm just counting to focus!" which was very hard as it is difficult for me to communicate if it is at the point the ambulance has arrived.

So, the ring has become my touchstone. What does it have to do with all of this except that it coincidentally (I don't believe in coincidences) has multiples of three on it and I didn't realize it until this morning? All my life I have loved super heroes. I've never really read comics, even though after I read the graphic novel "Epileptic" I started appreciating them and want to read more, but ever since I was a kid I was fascinated by them. I suppose it's a bit ironic considering I was always the kid with the illness that disallowed certain things. I was less than super. I was not strong. I was not fast. I was not leaping tall buildings in a single bound. I couldn't even hula hoop, which I really longed to do. Sometimes, though, super heroes have rings. They activate their powers with rings and they fly.

So each time I touch my ring it will activate the memory of how far I have come and how far I have flown and most importantly, how many buildings I have leapt over in a single bound. It also will allow me to see into the future and remind me of how much further I have to fly and how good the wind will feel in my hair.

Now I just need a hula hoop.

Leaning Over and Screaming, "Hello??!!"

Imagine this guy driving a truck instead of a recliner.

My phone rang this morning with a 590 prefix, which I thought was my friend Ryan's phone but didn't stop to wonder why it didn't say "Ryan." It stopped ringing after half a ring so I figured he dropped his phone in his morning peanut butter sandwich or something and would call back. Sure enough, a few seconds later, the phone rang again. I picked it up. I said, "Hello?" expecting to hear Ryan's droll imitation of Uncle Leo's "Hulllloh" from Seinfeld on the other end.

No. I heard arguing. On talk radio. The reason it took me so long to respond the first time was because I couldn't figure out if I was on hold and this was someone's hold "music" or if say, my Dad, who listens to talk radio, was calling me from yet another cell phone because the Firemen's Ball people had started asking him for money again and had changed his number...again and I didn't recognize his number. I just didn't know. Plus, I'd had dreams last night about people talking to me so I was still scratching my head over that and by the time I realized it was some dork pocket calling me twice, mind you, while he was driving and I was just desperate to have them answer for some reason and started yelling, "Hello" even though I know this never works. It never does. Following is the transcript of two humans in a moment of heightened dorkdom (yes, one of them is me) and one who just plain should be flogged.

"...these two ladies came and knocked on the door and said we couldn't have the kids in the van and that they were going to call the police and we explained to the police the risks *laughter* benefits of having the kids stay in the van and watch a movie instead of going in the church and having nothing to do and we didn't feel they were in any inherent danger and so they wrote us up and said we were in family crisis and of course we went to court and everybody that met us along the way were very impressed with us-"

"Hello?" Blink. Blink.

"and what good parents we were and how alert our children were and fun-loving and so forth-"

"Hell-o??"

"and our name is still on the list of child neglect. And we also mentor and we are now unable to mentor because of our names being on this list which I find very ironic. [Enter Mike Rosen] I'm going to put you on hold for a sec because of the static. It seems to me, that, that the original intent of these types of laws-"

"HELLO?"

"were to deal with parents who, on a hot summer day, would leave their child in a car, say an 18 month old, where it might be very, very hot and they might go in shopping for twenty minutes and-"

"HELLLOOO!!!!"

"that would be neglectful but the situation you describe doesn't strike me as a person being"

Click.

Beep Boop Boop Beep Boop *dialing* You get the idea.

"Hello?"

"Hi. Who is This?"

"Bill."

"Hi Bill! This is Wendy. You called me twice on your phone."

"Uh, no. No, I don't believe I did that. No."

"Yes, it's actually kind of funny. I think what happened is you pocket dialed me. You were listening to talk radio?"

"Uh, yes. I, uh, I don't know how I dialed your phone."

"Well it happens. Again, it's just funny and I thought maybe if your phone had a lock function you might want to utilize it or something. But I thought you might want to know what your phone was doing."

"Okay, uh. *cough*"

"Have a nice day, Bill!"

"You too!"

Click.

Just for the record the man on the radio is a fucking idiot and so is Mike Rosen for validating him. I don't care if the core temperature in a car or, say, van, is set to a cool , breezy 72 degrees, you should never leave your children in your car. Clearly, these people drive the Popemobile which leaves their children invincible to people who lure and kidnap children away from their parents while they are inside a church doing things that their family is clearly involved in and apparently they think is not important to involve the kids in. Not that I'm saying everyone should run inside a church. However, if you are, like this doofus and his wife, involved in a church, either take them the hell inside the church or leave them at home with a sitter. Instead, you plop the kids in front of a DVD player in the car as the babysitter just like all good mentors do and then cry when you get put on a list as being negligent and can't put other people's children in front of a television and call it mentoring. Does anyone remember Teddy Ruxpin the robotic babysitter? What the fuck was that?

Oh, and Mr. Mentor. Why don't you call up Alanis Morrissette and ask her what the word ironic means because I'm pretty sure the entire universe has told her by now and it's burned into her skull and she'll never forget it after putting out that song that should have been called "Unfortunate Events That Happened." In case you have a Mentoring MySpace, though, here's how you should properly use the word "ironic," although you should know that you are pictured right next to the definition of it with the sentence, "It is ironic that this man considers himself a mentor." Oh what? Sorry Alanis. You're right. That's under "Unfortunate Events." Thanks.

Irony is a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is an incongruity or discordance between what a speaker or a writer says and what he or she means, or is generally understood.

In modern usage it can also refer to particularly striking examples of incongruities observed in everyday life between what was intended or said and what actually happened.

HELLO!