Squatters' Rights

Happy July 4th.

Every year, Greeley has the distinct privilege of holding the Greeley Independence Stampede, which includes the craptacular carnival of fried shit (there's something new in the stamped down grassy area that doubles as the food court's repertoire every year. My friends who, this year, oddly went twice, told me it was Oreos this year. So now they can do candy bars, Oreos, rattlesnake (?) and other various items I'm sure I've missed since I last went eons ago), rides smelling of urine and hoodlums cruising around with their pants under their asses, mysteriously staying up while they ogle future or freshly initiated thirteen year old gang members with caked on makeup cracking under their smarmy sneers and the worst carousel ever that plays....rap music. Last time I went I rode the mechanical bull they have every year. So I've done the only cool thing I think I can do there. The rest I've done, including the fried Snickers and really it grosses me out after thirteen years of residence and knowing I'm moving to Denver several months from now just makes me want to stay as far away as possible.

However, here in Greeley, on the actual day of the 4th, the highlight of the whole shebang, or should I say the orgasm, is the parade. Even Denver's leading news team makes it down every year to broadcast the majority of it for shut-ins, people who are fans of air conditioning or people who enjoy watching the president when he is on every channel. I happen to live on the parade route which, around here is like owning all the utilities or railroads in Monopoly. People want to sit on your lawn. The thing is they aren't allowed to stake out their spots with blankets on your lawn or put up tents or throw down tarps with rocks a week ahead of time. They have to stick to the public grass along the sidewalks. There's some sort of honor system around here that miraculously works like some sort of homesteader race. "Oh no, Hon, there's a quilt there. We'll have to look further." It's kind of cool. My friend Bernadette and I were actually marveling at it as we drove down 10^th Avenue, said parade route, yesterday and thought it was nice how people didn't steal each others' blankets or resort to Anarchy.

That is, until you are sitting on your lawn and the honor system fails and Anarchy takes over. Apparently people start failing to realize that your lawn is not open game for their entire fucking family to sit on. It was not accidentally overlooked in the Great Race for good spots. No. It's private property. The tenants who live in the building pay rent there and part of the perks of being a tenant there is that you get to yawn and get out of bed when you hear the crowd start warming up, grab your camp chair and set up your spot with your water and your bowl of cereal or bagel or whatever and enjoy the parade. If you would like this same damn privilege than move into the fucking building or buy or lease a house on the damn parade route. Don't assume that you can stroll onto the damn lawn and set up camp with your sixty children who are throwing their plastic ball at my head and then look confused when I say that this area is for tenants only. As far as I know there is not some sort of "Grapes of Wrath" parade clause where squatters' rights are invoked.

What you're doing is called trespassing.

I wish I had the addresses of these jerks. I would go and take my camp chair and at about 7:30 in the morning, with my cooler, my big foam finger and a ridiculous hat, set up my crap on their lawn. Yup. Heard there was going to be a parade. Oh, I can't sit here? Why not? I do it every year. Oh? This is YOUR lawn? You OWN this property? You PAY to live here? Well I just...you know, no one is here yet. If there isn't enough room when the parade starts, I'll move over to um...let me look in my notebook...yes, the Andersons'. Their lawn is bigger. OH! Look! The parade is starting! Here comes a blue car!! Look at that windshield! Mmmm mmm mmm mm. Rush hour should be starting pretty soon. Yes sir. It doesn't get better tha- what? The police? Well when you were on my lawn the police didn't care that you and your jerk wad kids sat there. We asked, remember? They even sat on the corner of my lawn, too, eating ice cream. They won't mind! Hell, I have another chair! Tell them to bring some beer! Yeah! Hey, tell them to pick up a half gallon of Ginger Bee from the Crabtree Brewery. That would be great!

Yes I would love to do that. By the time the parade started, there was nothing I could do. Jerk wads everywhere on my lawn. If there is any trash on my lawn when I return home from work, I'm calling my landlords and the city. I will complain that Officer Lazy and Officer Ice Cream Wrapper didn't observe the fact that the other people in my building maybe wanted to have some room to sit on their lawn they pay for the privilege to sit on. The first lady I politely explained trespassing to immediately threw a fit and said, "You know, I'm done! I'm done! Every house up and down the street does this! So people from out of town can't sit there and enjoy the parade!" Her husband obviously thinking back to his wedding day when his best man said, "Are you REALLY sure? Because she's back there bitching out the caterer for putting too much mustard on the table..." is creeping between us as I am just listening with my eyebrows raised and then glancing at her children who all have their hand crossed across their heads, a habit developed I'm sure to block out the constant screaming. When she is done, I reply, "Well, I understand what you're saying, but you are trespassing you know and there are people who live in this building who pay for the right to use this area. It's kind of one of the perks of living on the parade route. Also the reason this happens all up and down the street is because people own those houses and well, they get to do whatever they want with their property. It's kind of how it works when you own something." To which she screeches, "Do you live here???!!!" I pause, wondering how insane I would be to try to throw her off a lawn I didn't belong to and then answered, "Yes I do. So-" Then she screeched "Well we'll just go ask the officers over there!" I sighed...

I wasn't sure if she was thinking of asking the officers if I lived there or what but I was pretty sure trespassing was illegal. I didn't want to be in a fight and was trying to be calm about the whole thing but she had started screeching like a howler monkey as soon as I opened my mouth. Really, though part of the honor system and more importantly, the law is you don't camp out on other peoples' lawn. I'm sure she would love it if I came and stretched out on her lawn. Honestly if she had maybe asked politely like some of the other people it wouldn't have irritated me so much. Courtesy goes a long way with me. I'm a hospitable person. However, this, as we came to call her, bitcharoo, acted like she was the owner of the entire parade. For some time I actually thought the cops told her and her Odd Squad to relocate because as I was quietly applying some sun block, so as not to have my pasty skin burst into flames, she strolled by and threw her arms up in the air in some sort of "bring it" gesture. I was a little confused as I was not agitating her that I knew of. Did she want my sun block as well? It wouldn't have surprised me as she seemed to think she was entitled to and owed everything everyone else had. I just turned to my Mom and laughed really hard. What an odd thing to do. A few moments it was even odder because I noticed no one had made her move. So why was she so upset? She was settled into my damn grass pretty comfortably it appeared. If I were her, I would be happy as a clam, enjoying some ice cream from the Zacatecas vendor. I know I was. I love their rice milk bars sprinkled with cinnamon. We just laughed and wished her husband luck with being chained to her for the rest of his life. The poor guy looked horribly disconcerted.

When the fire trucks came along finally, announcing the end of the parade, there was a family lunching near the front steps of my apartment building and I just sighed.

It's not that I don't like sharing, it's just that I wish people would somehow have some courtesy and not just automatically think it's okay to trespass. I mean I saw some people from my building come out; appearing to want to watch the parade on the property they live on, see the Woodstock-esque crowd that had formed on our lawn and take off across the street. This is what I mean. This is their place to live, which includes watching the parade. I feel that since they pay rent they should get first dibs. After that, the jackasses could ask politely if they may sit down.

One of my friends spotted me and asked if he could use my bathroom instead of waiting a zillion hours in line. I said sure and tossed him the keys to my apartment. When he came back, he told me he was talking to someone the other day about my building, which is in the historical district (we have a plaque!) and the person he was speaking to said the building used to be a whore house.

I almost wet myself laughing.

The more things change, the more they stay the same