What does apply here is that today is the day I had 24 electrodes super-glued to my head with an air compressor gun. Hopefully not for the rest of my life. They tell me I get them taken off on the 26th in the morning! It took an hour and basically felt like I was getting 24 tiny noogies on my head. I've had similar EEG's before so I knew the drill or the glue gun rather. When I was thirteen, I had this same type of EEG done for 24 hours. I don't remember anything about it though. No on really talked to me about it or the results. A few years ago, I had a week long EEG done at Swedish Hospital in Denver. Basically it's the same thing but I was tethered to a five foot radius because the electrode leads were hooked into the wall. I looked a lot like John Travolta in that Scientology movie. The problem with this is that it's not my daily routine to be denied medication and chill in a hospital bed watching TNT and the Cartoon Network or walk around in a 5 foot area. This one was a total waste of time, not to mention my Mom's time because she came up everyday to see me. They didn't catch much to write home about because, again, I don't normally tie myself with a 5 five foot lead to a wall/bed and watch bazillions of reruns of Law and Order, read the meal menu carefully and deliberate what I want for the next day, carefully circling my choices, and lean my head out the door of the bathroom while I pee because the loo was barely out of the five foot radius and had to rely on my camping bathrooming skills to make it through. No, normally I do this all with much more of a radius to work with.
The 48 hour ambulatory EEG, or my Electric Hat, has worked well so far. They let me wear my beloved Eddie Bauer sun hat on top (I just have to record in my journal in which I keep track of my activities every half hour that I am wearing my hat so they know why there is pressure on my head instead of guessing--small child? Laundry basket? Bowling ball? Panini press? Oh. It's just a hat) so when I go out on public the staring is kept to a minimum. I find old women, who one would expect good manners from, have the worst manners in the respect of those with large amounts of rainbow colored cords coming from underneath their hats and attaching to what appears to be a ginormous square fanny pack.
Sidenote: I don't know how I managed to make this look awesome. But I really did. I'm going to email the Epilepsy Foundation and ask if they want a spokesperson.
One lady at the Cracker Barrel, where the old women were staring, named Shauna, (an employee), came up to me and was having a delightful conversation about my Electric Hat. At one point she said, "Well! At least you're still here!" To which I responded, "Yeah, I love the Cracker Barrel! I haven't even made it to the vintage toy part of the gift shop!" She laughed and said, "I like your sense of humor!" She later demonstrated the Weasel Ball for my Mom because I couldn't figure out how to turn it on for her and I insisted she had to see it go nuts. Mom bought me a Gumby action figure for being awesome at the Sleep Clinic. I also ate an egg that looked really happy!
The big rule with this whole thing, besides playing "Capture the Seizure," was that I was not allowed to be left alone. It was basically decided between my Mom and I that I would camp out at her house for the duration. While she was taking care of her little German lady from 5-7, my friend Ryan agreed to hang out with me. The first night of the EEG, he came over and technically his girlfriend Amy was on that shift but was stuck in Denver so he was the pinch hitter. Well, I already had a miniature tea set out our friend Darcie gave me for my birthday that you paint and bake to seal for that night's activity. When Ryan walked in, I told him to grab a paint brush. Being a painter himself, I thought he would be into it, but he was very reticent. In fact, he shook his head and said, in response to my comment that he was a painter, "I don't do that." Eventually he painted two teacups.
Later, our friend Kristen arrived and by then only the sugar jar needed painted so she jumped in and fashioned a unicorn upon it. Or Tea-Corn. It went very nice with the cow patterned creamer. Then Amy finally arrived! By then it was a full on awesome party. Ryan and I had been watching reruns of "Dukes of Hazzard" before everyone arrived. As people drifted in, things just got better with "The Wonder Years," and "Who's the Boss." Then my Mom ordered pizza when she got home from Irma, the German lady's house. A big pot of coffee was made and it was the coolest pizza party ever. We baked the tea set and everyone was excited to see it turn out. After forty minutes, I set it back out on the coffee table for all to admire their handiwork. All in all, after a day of running errands, a pizza party and getting used to not being able to blink, I was pretty tuckered.
I still hadn't had any seizures yet, though. However, I knew one thing. Usually when I stay up late and fall asleep sitting up, I will have seizures in my sleep that wake me up. Especially if I am working on my writing. So I did exactly that. I would be damned if I was going through all this and not capturing seizures.
It worked. More than I thought it would. I had more than what I call my "alarm clock" seizures which just are you're basic limb jerking "wake up" seizures. I had two full on, "earthquake" seizures where I have found if I hold on to a bookcase, I can shake the entire piece of furniture and its contents and my teeth chatter. These are the types where I tense my teeth and bear down and stare straight ahead while my body shakes, apparently emitting a strong tremor. The only time I've figured out the strength of the tremor was when I happened to grab a bookcase to steady myself and ended up being scared as shit when I realized I couldn't tell the difference between a major earthquake and the tremors I was feeding this inanimate object. Literally. Not Figuratively. Literally. That is, had I not known better.
The second day, after we went to the EEG/Sleep Clinic to adjust my electrodes and leads and all that, we stopped off at Borders so I could get some books and a copy of The Big Lebowski. They had a bargain table outside and it was hotter than Hades out. I stood outside for about five minutes in the heat and chose two books. After I went outside, I went to the restroom and nearly had a major seizure in there because of being so easily overheated. It irritates me that I can't stand outside for five or ten minutes and look at books without this sort of thing happening. I had to click my little button three times in two minutes that marks on the EEG that I was having an "event" because I was having auras which are tiny seizures that warn you of an oncoming larger seizure. I stayed in the restroom, splashing cold water on my face and fanning myself, counting by threes and describing everything around me until finally, fifteen minutes later I felt well enough to go sit on the bench by my Mom in front of the magazine section where she was looking at house decoration magazines. I paced back and forth for a bit in front of a rack of writing references nearby and then settled down for a few minutes. We captured five seizures already so I wasn't too worried about additional specimens.
Although I was to have one more the next morning when I woke up, things went well for the rest of the EEG and I didn't have any more "earthquakes."
We're almost done getting the Superglue out of my hair. I've had my hair soaked in conditioner for a half hour at a time and then picked through with a fine tooth comb like I have lice. My hair is very soft right now, though! There's a light at the end of the tunnel...things are getting normal again.
Even better, this is one small step for, well it's not even a small step, it's one big step toward getting my robot part! Before you know it, I'll have funnel boobs and a sexy silver lame skirt to match my knee high moon boots!
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