As Long As The Horse Is Not Made of Milk

There is a milk fairy!

Note: This happened approximately a year and a half ago. I would never do this now. Unless I hadn't already done it.

Fact: It is scientifically impossible for your stomach to hold a gallon of any substance.

Fact: It most definitely will not accommodate a gallon of milk in the span of an hour.

These are two tidbits of information I wish I had digested before I attempted to digest a gallon of Vitamin D milk in an hour's time. I had been curious about what I considered a little rumor going around that you couldn't possibly accomplish this task and frankly just absorbed it as "You, Wendy Liddell, cannot do this. I mean, we have a lot of faith in you in general, but despite your bizarre relationship with and fantasies about milk, we just don't think you can hack a gallon of milk in an hour."

To myself: Didn't my brother and I go through at least a gallon of milk an hour when we were kids? I know for sure we did because I think I recall my mother hooking our fridge directly up to a milk truck and just inserting dairy i.v.'s into us. Why would she do that if you couldn't digest a gallon of milk in an hour's time? My mother is not a wasteful woman.

To my friends: I can totally do this! I am so not kidding! In fact, I've offered several times but you never take me up on it and I'm beginning to think you're just scared I can do it, thus showing you up and taking your manhood from you. Let's go to the store, now! I know we just got to the bar, but I am on a mission. I haven't even been drinking so you know I've put some credible thought into it. Let's even stake some cash on it! This is literally a cash cow for me! And I'm pretty sure I can roll around in some milk cash for an hour straight!

My friend (despite my stubbornness) Ryan to me, en route to the store for a gallon of milk: All I'm saying is that I have faith in you, just not the human body. No. It's not possible. You're going to throw up and you're going to be sick and you aren't going to want to hang out because you're so sick.

Me to Ryan: Ryan, seriously, I have trained all my life for this. I'm not a stupid "Bro-Huh?" (So nicknamed by Kelly for the phrase they repeatedly vomit out of their mouth as much as they do beer and shots of Jaeger) frat boy with a fat head. I don't think I've told you about the direct line into the milk truck my mother arranged.

Ryan to me:

Me to Ryan: Don't look at me like that.

Ryan to me:

Me to Ryan: Just think of how proud you'll be of me.

Ryan to me: I'm already proud of you. I'm telling you it won't happen.

Me to myself: Did a guy just say the phrase: "It won't happen" to me? Again? Fuck this. I'm on it.

Me to Ryan: Well I'm getting Vitamin D milk so when I do it, you guys won't say, "If it hadn't been skim, you would have thrown up all over the place. Didn't you also tell us your mom calls skim milk blue water?"

Skip to the part where I am taking over Linda Blair's record of projectile vomiting whilst in the bathroom of the Study Hall. Skip to the part where Jana is asking me why I ate leaves for lunch as she is helping my clean the stall and everything else in a five mile radius. (I explain to her those are chilies from some nachos I had).

Truly, you know your friends love you when they still think you're an intelligent human being after an event such as this. The lesson to be learned here is even if you make a really stupid decision, despite all of your friends' advice against it, be thankful you still have them around, telling you that you should get back up on the horse (translation: go back to the bar and hang out after changing and brushing so hard you no longer have enamel on your teeth), as long as it is not made of milk.